My Life Fell Apart: A How-To Guide I Didn't Find on Google

I find a special kind of humor in depressing situations, like how I Googled "I'm a twenty something and my life just fell apart" little over a month ago.

I was extremely close to getting a full-time job I had worked hard for, which means my financial situation would have drastically improved; I was going to quit my job and be a much happier person as a result; I was engaged and then....things changed. Quickly, unbelievably, my world seemed to detach from the seams. All the "stitching" I had worked hard at broke away and I felt like I was literally falling apart. I moved back home because I no longer knew where home was. I was in this awful kind of nightmare, which was more terrifying than most because it was real.

I find a special kind of humor in the fact I turned to a search engine when I had no idea how to help myself out of this very real and complex situation. It was a sort of awakening. I opened my eyes and looked at the search results to find song lyrics, blog entries about discovering terminal illnesses far too young, and a plethora of random stories where twenty-somethings drop out of college and don't know what to do next. People turn to religion, diet fads, therapists, and books on "How to Be a Better You!"...

I tried Google again. I figured I needed to be more specific. It didn't matter how many variations I typed in the search bar because my searching would only result in articles written by people still searching. You can't find an answer for something that complex. You can laugh if you want to (I'm definitely still serious however) when I say there is a widespread problem occurring: Twenty-somethings are having some sort of self-identity crisis. So much for waiting twenty more years for that to happen, right?

The problem, which is also my problem, is that I have no idea what I want to do in life. I had no back up plan because I thought I didn't need one and I never wanted to consider that I would ever need a Plan B. I thought I finally figured out in the past few years who I was as a person and in 24 hours that self-identification was thrown out the window. I was immensely confident and now I feel like I've been hoodwinked by life. The truth is that the twenty years aren't too be wasted. You can't spend the rest of this time thinking you've got all the time in the world to figure shit because the time to figure it out is now, not ten years from now. If you put off self-improvement (finding a career you enjoy, going to school, thinking about a family, not being in bad relationships) because you only favor the idea of self-exploration (travel, hanging out with old friends, living for your hobbies, etc), you'll end up feeling unbalanced and unsatisfied. You need to focus on self-improvement and enjoy, not solely live for self-exploration.

So, what have I done in the meantime, now that I have this greater understanding of how to live my life? I've found ways to pass the time productively. This is the section for those of you that don't give a crap about my self-discovery, however, I feel you'll change your mind in time like I did.

What To Do When My Life Falls Apart

Make a Goal List.

Take a piece of paper and draw a horizontal line across the middle and a vertical line down the center of the page. This will leave you with four quadrants. Label the top left "Within 1-2 weeks," the top right "Within 3 months," the bottom left "Within 6 months," and the bottom right "Within 3 years." Now fill it out. Don't worry if you're not sure you'll accomplish them all because goals often change as you change as a person. Just as importantly, make sure you keep this list somewhere you see it every day (bathroom mirror, your car, or more privately on the wall of your closet.) Also make sure you cross off things as soon as you accomplish them. If you keep your goals realistic, you'll cross them off sooner than you think.

Invest in a Calendar.

When you're life falls apart, you find yourself with a lot more free time on your hands. Print out a calendar or grab your planner and start figuring out when you'll have too much free time. I'm not suggesting you overload your schedule and consequently become an exhausted mess of a person. I am suggesting you try balancing your work time with the amount of time you spend with other people with the amount of time you spend focusing on yourself. The amount of time you give yourself should not be part of your tv or computer time because you're doing absolutely nothing productive for those activities.

Budget Yourself.

Unless you already have a budget system in place, this time of your life is perfect to reexamine your financial situation. Find a new budget system (I ended up using one created by a mom trying to save money for her family's disney trip...obviously doesn't apply to my life but still very effective [ http://www.couponingtodisney.com/budget-binder/ ].) When you're too emotional to analyze your life, sometimes it's helpful to force yourself into thinking about the material aspects of it.

Process Your Emotions.

Have you ever been to the self-help section of the library or the bookstore? I have and I can tell you that I hate it. There are so many smiling faces, outrageous guarantees of a better life, and bright colors that it makes me want to scream in a public place (I refrain). If you seriously need a book to find comfort however (I'm one of those people who believe books hold magical powers), I suggest two things. 1) Avoid the self-help section and find a psychology section. Not all of us have depression, anxiety, or border-line personality disorder but if you're honestly going to this blog or Google because "your life is falling apart" then maybe you should look into therapy workbooks. The Dialectic Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is an excellent way to process your emotions. 2) Read the book "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter" by Dr. Meg Jay.

Read.

Read everything you ever wanted. I have too much free time on my hands when I'm not working my part-time job. Read non-fiction, fantasy, or comic books. Reading is important because you can expand your world view or find comfort in old childhood stories. It's a way to mediate for those of us that cannot hold still.

Learn to Enjoy Things as an Individual.

One of the biggest challenges I've had to overcome is enjoying things again. When you spend a lot of time with one person and do almost everything with them, you have to learn how to enjoy something without automatically thinking "Wow, ___ would have really liked this," or "I wish ___ was here," or "___ and I used to do this all the time." This is hard to do but you have to practice and I promise it will get easier.

Expand Your Circle.

I don't advise shutting everyone out of your life and cutting off your friends. I do think this is a good time to gently letting go of the negative people you know and finding new connections and better influences. All those times you needed an excuse to stop talking to that mean old friend of yours or the negative family member you can't see eye to eye with? Take a step back and realize this is the time for you to work on you.

Research Your Dreams Without Limitations.

I want to go back to school and enter the social and human services program at my local college so I've researched and started the list of things I need to do to make that happen. Along the way, I've also looked into things I've always been curious about like welding, writing a book, going on a road trip across america, visiting another country, teaching internship programs, and moving to New Orleans for the hell of it.

Am I going to do all of those things? Probably not but at least now I know if their attainable goals and desires.

Be Realistic.

Everyone wants an easy solution but there is seldom an easy solution for a complex problem. Find motivations for yourself even when you think there is no motivation left. Make finishing that book your motivation or go back to school or find a new job you might enjoy more than this one. Embrace change even when it feels like all the change might crush you. When you feel like you've lost control of your life, find something else you can control, even if that thing is as small as getting a haircut or reorganizing your finances or decorating your room. Bake a fucking cake and eat half of it. Go running every day. Sleep more consistently. Volunteer at a place you care about. There are so many things to do that it's up to you to fix yourself. There are things that help along the way but ultimately you are the deciding factor. Come out of this as a better person and regret nothing.

Yes, This is A Post About Faith

Why the blunt title? Unfortunately, I feel like I need to clarify myself whenever I decide to talk about religion.

Secondly, I have never written about my faith online before and I don't want this to result in a series of comments on how religion is for the uneducated or God is nonexistent (it saddens me to hear people say both of those things.)

I am writing this because I need to express my thoughts and I want everyone who is willing to please read them with me. This post is about respect, about our deepest compassion for fellow humans, and our confusing grief.

As with every tragedy, the suffering of the Boston Marathon yesterday has left me bewildered and confused.  How can God allow such suffering into this world? I find myself thinking over and over again these negative thoughts, but this morning I turned to a random page in my Bible and I wanted to share the comfort I found.

John 9:1-7 is the story of Jesus healing the blind man, a story most of us have heard. When His disciples ask if the man is blind because he or his parents have sinned in the past, Jesus explains that this man is only blind by the will of God, so that His works might by displayed in him.

This morning I realize once again that we have no control over the evil in this world. We are all pained by the idea that people can be dark inside and are wandering around blindly, lost from our deepest senses of community and human compassion. We must grieve for the people who are impacted, who are suffering; but we must foremost remember to trust in God. We must trust that he has allowed some souls to walk blindly so that we can help them find healing. We cannot forget to rise above the pain in order to help those that need Jesus's love most during this time.

For those of you reading that do not know God, I can understand your hesitance and I will never judge you. I have been there. If you can't turn to God in a time like this, turn to compassion. Find the fundamental connection all human beings have to one another and find a way to help.

If you cannot help the victims of the Boston Marathon attacks, hold the ones you love close. Choose to help the people around you find comfort in a time of confusion. Do what is right and good and forgive people before the next tragedy occurs. Do not live with regret. Find love in the knowledge that we are a global community and we can make small impacts that will result in a larger happiness.

Running Into Resistance

Do you ever have this overwhelming urge to write- to toss your anxieties across a canvas with a flurry of emotional release- but you are left desperate to find the right way to start? I close my eyes and I feel nothing but the shadow of exhaustion and stress. Lately, I feel nothing but anger at things I cannot control or frustration that change could not come soon enough. I have put so much effort into being a hard worker and it's more than disappointing to realize that it meant nothing to other people.

I don't write nearly as much as I did in the past. I need a new environment to explore or a new routine. Sleeping and having so many sporadic work hours is not a productive or good way for me to live; I am left anxious in this pattern of inconsistency and stress. My mind is either overcome with emotion and worry or I am left in this oddly blank state. I feel zoned out so that I can try not to think about all this bullshit I am currently dealing with.

It's hard to not just go back to bed and stay there until I must work again. I'm afraid I will snap at someone simply because they reminded me of all my anxieties. Not like they would need to, but it's a small concern I've thought about today. This daily stress has made my imagination more active than it probably should be.

Now, I am going to go watch The West Wing on Netflix and pretend I wasn't so tired. I'm slowly getting better at finding distractions. Hopefully I won't find it necessary to write more angry posts about my...anger.

Time is a Tease

Lately I have been exhausted, angry, and impatient.

When I work, I work to be the best I can because I have this static mindset that working hard will fix things again. People who matter will notice and I'll get what I've been working for all this time. I've been training for this position for months and apparently it does not matter. I sleep on these "days off" instead of work because they have no hours left to schedule me for. Somehow, I am still exhausted.

I am angry because I am relearning a life lesson that completely hurts to learn. I'm learning that few people outside of my friends and family will help me succeed. Sometimes I think that putting up a strong front is a mistake despite all of it's advantages. I am the only person who can change things because no one wants to talk to me about what we can do for both work and myself. I am angry because I feel that I have been played, that I am stuck in this awful place out of desperation to pay for necessities, and that there is currently no other option. I am angry that I cannot stop thinking about it and that my anxiety is following me around like a swift shadow.

I am impatient to get out of here. I'm looking for new jobs that will actually be worth working for and for a new place to live. I'm excited for our lease to end in April so we can have those new opportunities all around us. Moving to Seattle is what I have always wanted to do. I want to go back to school in the fall and I want to explore a city I love.

I don't want to be anxious or angry anymore. I want to be productive.

Advice From My Mother and Some Crazy Metaphors

Whether she knows it or not (probably not), I have been writing about my mother for a long time. She is like a sequoia tree; not just another organism, but a constant force of nature and firmly planted to the ground. She has strong, proud roots and she uses them to hold everything around her together. She is full of warmth and wisdom. During stormy weather she maintains her ground and stands taller than before. Her arms stretch out far and wide to protect the ones she loves or to reach out to the ones who need someone to listen; her love has no bounds. My mother is like a sequoia; she is not easy to forget.

It would surely be impossible to transcribe all of the things my mother has taught me, however, I feel the need to write down a key few that have helped me in my young adult life compared to, let's say, "Chanel, push your drink back from the table or you will spill it." (Funny enough, I still find myself doing this for other people without thinking of how odd it might be for them.)

One

When I was so anxious that I could not physically force myself out of the car and in to the school bus that would take me to the Academic Decathlon competition, you grasped my hand firmly with yours and said, "Take a deep breath. Every time you feel like crying, laugh."

Two

We were sharing a bed at my grandparents' house. We had not slept next to each other in years and I was visiting for spring break. It was like a novel in a way, laying next to my mother and at the the foot of the bed were gauze-like curtains that made a thunderstorm seem theatrical. The lightening softly illuminated the small guest bedroom and I could not help but recall the time she had taught my brother and I how to waltz in a summer thunderstorm when we were younger.

She pulled me close to face her and asked, "Chanel, when will you start taking chances?" In order to love and trust someone to begin with, she said, you must learn to let go. Learn to live a little. That was a few days after Bryce had told me he liked me and a month later we started dating. I'm extremely grateful I took that chance.

Three

"What do you have to lose?"

I had called my mother crying. Crying because I felt lost, confused, and at the moment quite angry. Things were finally looking up. I had a good job, I had moved out and I was living with Bryce. I had not expected to start thinking that he thought the Airforce might be a good option for him. It was ultimately my choice but how could I begin to make that choice? I had no future plans and yet I had no idea what that would mean for us. She spoke calmly into the phone.

"What do you have to lose? I don't mean that in a negative way but you are a time in your life when you can still take risks and if things don't work out, you pick up the pieces and move on. Who knows? This might be a positive thing. You have to make the choice for yourself, no one else. You are stronger than you know."

___________________________

I have seen her during extremely low points and during wonderfully high points. She can tell when I need to talk to her even if I put on a cheery voice. She taught me to respect my elders, how to always listen, to help anyone who needs it but to realize that they won't change if they don't also try to help themselves. She teaches me to be strong when I sometimes cannot find the strength to get out of bed. She teaches me to constantly learn from people and educate myself. She teaches me that making other people happy before me is no way to truly be happy in life. My mother teaches me that life is hard and it is whatever you make of it. 

She is the strongest person I have ever known. No matter their age, or if they may disagree with her; people still show her a deep respect simply because she is firm (or perhaps this strength is just genetic stubbornness?). No definitely firm and strong...like a sequoia tree even ;] (this is where you laugh at my use of metaphors, momma.)

I love you. If I could, I would draw you a picture to go here but, alas, I lost my box of crayons while traveling. (For you readers, this is not a joke. I seriously lost my box of crayons and it was cool because it had one of those fancy crayon sharpeners on the back of the box. Damn you Crayola!)

A Long Journey Ahead

My old journals surround me and, as I turn their pages, I feel like I am having conversations with my younger selves. They tell me of their worries, dreams, and fears. Reading them makes me wish I could hold my own hands and tell that far away girl that things get better in the end.

I'm writing a book. Quite plainly, it is simultaneously exhausting and wonderful. Looking back on past events and then writing about them is comparable to seeing a therapist for an hour or more everyday. The difference is that you are talking to yourself but there is no one there to listen, which is just as crazy as it sounds.

I can't believe how motivated I am. I don't feel conceited in the slightest by wanting to write about my own experiences, rather I hope that my story will help someone else. I hope that when this is all said and done there will be a stranger who reads my words and finds courage to talk about things. Our society lacks true honesty. It's ironic that we demand honesty from everyone around us, yet we refuse to be honest with ourselves. The only reason I have gotten so far in the past year is because I've made a extremely difficult choice--to be honest with myself and everyone else. It's freeing.

Despite how exciting this is and all of my motivation, I can't help pondering what people might think of me. What happens when my words--all of those things I've kept hidden in the bindings of journals or buried deep inside of me--are printed across a page? What happens when people don't like my honesty because the reality of things is too difficult to hear?

Christ and Caffeine

Sunday

At least I think it is Sunday. I've been awake since 8 a.m. yesterday and I barely slept on the flight to Katy, Texas. We went over to the Pulley house around 7 p.m. and had a bonfire until 3 a.m. Bryce stayed with us until we left for the airport and I suddenly felt clingy and sad. It's going to be a long week.

In the past twenty-four hours I've consumed 2 mountain dews, 2 grande triple-shot mochas, and one bottle of water. I'm still exhausted. The flight went well and Uncle Darrell met us at the airport, where we loaded into a large, white van. With all nine passengers and myself, I wondered if we were being kidnapped, smuggled into Texas, or if we were just on our mission trip.

At the moment, we are hanging out in the church that is hosting us (which ironically is named Memorial Lutheran compared to our own church Community of Christ at Memorial Lutheran). We get the entire second floor to the rec building to ourselves and the youth room in filled with couches to sleep on. It's wonderful compared the the shipping containers and metal bunks we stayed in on last year's New Orleans trip.

........

10:40 p.m.

Our main contact at the Krause Children's Treatment Center, Jason, came to talk to us and then we went to the the center for the first time. It was nerve-wracking being put into a gym with a bunch of teens. Keeping the conversation going was sometimes more difficult than starting one. We spent most of the time playing four-square and the guys were a lot nicer than the girls.

Monday

We wake up at 7 a.m. and have to be ready by 8:15, which is more difficult than it sounds considering I'm two hours behind and not a morning person. The church we are staying at has their Vacation Bible School this week and we'll be volunteers for them until Friday. This church is larger than ours and consequently has more kids than I'm used to in one place. Miranda, Peter and I are going to be in the music room all week. I have a feeling I'll know all of these Preschool songs for the rest of my life.

VBS ends around noon and we come back for lunch and free time. We also used this time to figure out what we'll be doing at the worship service at Krause. Every day we have to create our own service and I'm not sure how the kids will react to what we do. Apparently the kids go on a volunteer basis but that doesn't give me much comfort.

........

We each went up and gave brief testimonies about why we are here in Katy and why we want to help these kids. I wasn't specific about my own experiences. I was slightly shaking because I hate public speaking and I couldn't bring myself to look at people's faces. I was the only person tonight who said they used to be angry at God. I hope that made some sort of impact.

We came "home" after playing games in the gym for two hours and started planning tomorrow's worship service. More caffeine. We said our highs and lows of the day, did devotions and then prayer partners. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to think about the stories I've already heard. I feel like they can see right through me. I want to close my eyes and scream.

Tuesday

I'm exhausted. We've only been here three days and I want a break. I still don't want to talk to anyone. I feel guilty about not sharing with people but it's too difficult.

The kids like to play Ultimate Frisbee but we use a rubber chicken because it's more fun. Have you ever tried to throw or catch a rubber chicken? It's awkward and silly.

I met a girl today. I decided to sit alone for worship because I didn't want to be there. She (let's call her Cassy) came in the room and made a last minute decision to sit next to me. We didn't talk the entire time and I didn't find out her name until dinner. Another girl (call her Sally?) sat in the room in front of mine but has talked to me several times already. I think she wants to talk more. The kids requested a song and I had never heard it before. It was heartbreaking and I realized that Sally and Cassy were both crossing their arms like myself with their heads down.

I need to talk to them.

Thursday

I'm aware that there is a day gap. Yesterday we went to the Houston aquarium and to the ocean. It was cloudy all day but the water was warm. Pastor took us to Chick-Fil-A and we had a good time. Pastor kept saying that this was a life changing experience (going to Chick-Fil-A, that is). This was the only day we could take pictures (because we aren't permitted at the places we volunteer).

On another note, I took Miranda to the Emergency Room tonight. We were setting up for worship and she stepped back and then collapsed into a chair. She said it felt like her bone moved but the xrays came back good. She's in a brace and crutches to help with the sprain. I'm glad it went smoothly. She has a high pain tolerance and I knew it was bad when she started crying. I was upset but as soon as I realized she was seriously injured I went into this weird calm. Pastor and I took her to the ER and the rest of the group staying at Krause.

When we came back to pick them up though, we could tell something was wrong. The looks on their faces was as if they witnessed death. I don't know how else to describe it. Apparently, they had just left the building when a girl that Erica had spoken to jumped a side fence. She looked at them and then ran away. We're in shock. We're hurt. I'm confused.

Friday

It's the last day here. I don't know how to talk about it. We played board games at Krause and I got to see Sally again. I wanted to talk to her so much but I didn't know how, so we just played UNO. I didn't see Cassy until worship and she sat next to me again. She smiles now. She wanted to know where we were yesterday. I'm going to miss her because she's such a sweetheart.

I gave the mini sermon at worship and was shaking pretty bad. I wrote it at lunch and it was about prayer. Everyone told me it was good but I wish I hadn't been so nervous. I couldn't look at their faces again. Cassy and "L" sat next to me. I can't think about leaving them. I just think about the girl who was waving to us from the trailer when we arrived. I think about the girl who told Ally that she saved her life. I think about Cassy and L and Sally hugging me and joking that I should put them in a duffell bag and take them home. Cassy hugged me three times and I could barely hold back my tears. I don't want to leave, now that we are finally comfortable with visiting and talking to them.

On the other hand, I want to go home. I don't want to think about this everyday.

Monday

We packed up and left Katy, Texas on Saturday morning. Friday night we found out that my dog had to be put down and I had to tell my sister. I held her in my arms and we both cried. My baby is gone and that's still  unbelievable to me. Saturday we drove to Humble, TX to spend the afternoon at Darrell's house. He made amazing bbq and we had a good time in the pool. I don't think any of us wanted to think about the people we were leaving behind.

Our flight was delayed an hour and a half but thankfully we made it home that night. I went over to dinner at my parent's house and cried because I wasn't greeted by Starbucks. I feel like I'm living as a different person. I don't know how to reflect on this week. I was so busy and emotionally exhausted every day that now I feel numb. I'm happy to be home but it's like my brain isn't sure what to do now.