I Can Hear My Monotone

Despite the fact I have been writing constantly, it has been far too long since I last recorded my stupid little thoughts on this stupid little blog. Why have it? I'm still trying to answer that question...I should be writing another paper for my college class, but I have literally tossed it aside out of frustration. I feel brain-dead. I feel exhausted. I feel like I still have a lot of catching up to do.

Recently my life has revolved around: my Marketplace of Ideas class, The Olympian newspaper (where I will be hired to work for next quarter), my volunteer work at Children of the Nations, my addiction to caffeine despite my lack of income, the newspaper, writing, and not nearly enough sleep. I had to drop my math class because I couldn't manage my time properly anymore. There are so many things I need to do, I want to do, and I keep forgetting to do.

I feel as if my brain is slowly being nuked by the microwave I associate with college. Everyday I go find some caffeine to intake in order to get my thoughts flowing. It lasts for a while...eventually I crash, burn, and either nap or play Nintendo 64 Mario on the projector screen.

Yesterday, I went with Kaylee to Seattle. We both chopped off our long hair, went to the art museum, and ate fantastic pasta. That was a lovely day :] Today, I went back to Seattle with my family and saw the Harry Potter movie in the Imax theater. We got the best seats ever (thank you Miranda for temporarily being in a wheelchair?) and afterwards walked through the Harry Potter exhibition. I was sorted into Ravenclaw, I pulled Mandrakes from pots, and I sat in Hagrid's big, leather chair. It was another good day.

I miss my best friends...still. I think I mentioned this in my last post...I still miss my family too.

..Geez, this sounds so pathetic.

The Numbers Have It: I Like Writing More.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, the removal of wisdom teeth (the surgery itself) is not nearly as bad as the week to follow. Sure it sucked being stuck on the sofa for several days, too drugged out to do much but sleep and have "loopy" conversations with my newspaper editor (arguing claims over an academic paper on disturbing topics and claiming green onions are the reasons aliens in Hollywood are often green skinny things). And sure it was painful to realize just how obsessed Americans are with food (there are too many pizza commercials on television than is healthy for society), particularly when I couldn't eat anything solid for six days. Nothing could have prepared me for the stomach-ache (literally as well as figuratively) my pain medications caused. I am glad that those nights are over and I am delighted that I can eat real food again.

I miss my best friends. I miss the one who is only ten minutes away just as much as the one who is 2485 miles away. I miss talking to them and unconciously letting all of my stress melt away. They help me stay happy, and lately I'm not nearly as happy as I know I could be.

I miss my mother, father, and brother. I miss the fall drives we always would take in the beautiful valleys of Ohio in the autumn right about now. The other day we drove spontaneously through the outer back-roads of the Olympian mountains. It reminded me of those long drives in Ohio and, while it may have been comforting and peaceful, I just wanted to hug my mom.

I'm studying for my stupid Math 99 class and trying to memorize all the anal rules and OCD ways my teacher wants us to write answers down. Its just a little ridiculous. I wish I could have not gone to class and instead stayed at the volunteer position I have at Children of the Nations. Its quiet, productive, and pleasant there. Plus, I feel like I'm contributing to society.

Write to you later. I really must focus now :P

College Requires: Pens, Caffeine, & Paper

I'm not sure if I'm exhausted or excessively caffeinated at this point. Its a Wednesday, the middle of my school week and I'm tired, but when I go to bed I struggle falling asleep. I'm too excited, too eager about going back to school the next day. I love my Journalism/English 101 class. I don't even notice when three hours go by because I am completely absorbed. Math...is easy and boring. I'm sure that I only find it easy because its Day # 3 but what else is there to do? I finished all the practice and homework problems for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I shall do in class again. Perhaps, I will start brainstorming questions for my newspaper articles.

My article for the school paper made the front page. Financial aid is quite an important issue, and I hadn't realized my editor gave me that kind of challenge. It came into print yesterday :] I have been nothing but smiles.

For having so much happen in such a short amount of time, I cannot think of anything else to say. I'm tired but extremely happy.

Simply Exhausted.

Freshman orientation is worse than my high school freshman orientation in the fact that I didn't know the majority of those people since kindergarten. I didn't know the campus, the best places to park, or the location of the nearest soda machine (I've now found that the cheapest ones are tucked behind the off limits/under construction area by the Tech Building. 50 cents for a soda!) I walked in, grabbed a free lanyard, collected the free folder full of information they were passing out, and then suddenly realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't have any friends there to hide by or to talk to. I looked to my right and thankfully a girl was doing the same thing as myself. Introductions, hello my name is...we found safety in our common shyness...That was all Wednesday.

Spent most of the week seeing Renae here and there. Drinking mochas here and there. Yesterday I worked at the college newspaper. I still feel awkward and hesitant to ask too many questions. It was beautiful to walk through the campus on my own. It was sprinkling (of course) and chilly but magical all the same. Everything was calm and quiet except the crunching of leaves here and there. Then I spent the night at Renae's house and talked to Eddie on Skype too. It was nice to speak with both of my best friends at the same time. I'm always missing one of them, it seems.

I'm tired of missing.

Is Not Afraid of Commitment, But Instead Clowns

I desperately need school to start, even though I only have a week left. I was actually productive all day and am acting as the errand runner for the next three days. I am surprisingly happy with this prospect; it means that I will be forced into leaving the house by 7:45 every morning.

A bitter taste in my mouth. Blackberry soda turned out tasting like root-beer and grape Kool-aid had a love child. I am pondering my bittersweet day. Sweet in the sense that I achieved three interviews and photographs for my newspaper article. Bitter by running into your parents. I think they hate me now, but I could never explain to them what happened. Where everything began to fall apart. I willingly hold my tongue because I promised you I would. I promised you and have kept this promise dammit. I wish I could smile at them again. I wish I could talk to you again. Most of all I wish things had been different. They weren't and I have moved on.

I Shall Curl Into My Ball Now, Pardon the Interruption

I started today feeling tired but quite sure that I would be happy and confident in due time.

and then I saw you...dammit.

I had not expected you to be there, particularly since you told me you never liked church. In a way I felt it to be a safe haven. Stupid to convince myself that I'd never see you again. Of course I would. We have too many things in common. What did I feel? I have no idea and it frustrates me that I cannot properly express my emotions. How old am I? five? Ridiculous. I know that I did the right thing and I know that anything I may still feel is simply due to missing what we did have. I don't truly feel those things anymore, even if I wish I did.

Is there guilt, shame, regret lingering? Its possible there are those things here and there but for the most part I am at a loss of words. Blank in describing precisely what I think of you.


My dog is laying on my floor and I feel rejected. Lovely end to my day.

Little Feet, Big Shoes

Just when I had hit the point where the air felt stale in my lungs and my eyes were forever drooping, I was able to stop (or rather get up and go) and take a gigantic, deep breath of mountain air. I feel happy in saying that I feel happy. My mind feels fresh again. I am excited about so many things in the near future and in the present. The present; the right now. The term makes me want to smile: I am busy again but not stressed.

I filled out an application online and had a meeting with the assistant director of communications and now....I am going to officially start in October as a volunteer writer for the brilliant organization Children of the Nations (http://www.cotni.org/). I am beyond excited for this opportunity. Twice a week I get to go into the office and help out in any way I can; specifically by writing.

Secondly and as of this afternoon, I will be writing for my college's newspaper, The Olympian. I am really excited for this but I'm also very nervous. I wanted to work with the school newspaper at Perry by I never could fit it with my schedule. It's a time like this that I am a bit on edge. I don't want (obviously) to come to the editor with a poorly written article, although I did mention that I don't have prior experience with a newspaper. For now, I plan on working extremely hard on this article and remaining calm. I can do this properly and I have confidence in my writing abilities. I need to challenge myself this year; it's what I wanted and what I can achieve. Breathe.


The article I am assigned to write is about the dramatic increase in financial aid this semester compared to previous years. I'm also going to be taking pictures to accompany the article. I have a lot of work to do but I know that I can do this.  I cannot wait until school beings. Until I am official a college student, not just an identification number that has textbooks.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.