The Theater Lights Are Blinding

My stomach is churning, as if I am about to go on a stage by force. They are having a big party for me tomorrow to celebrate my eighteenth birthday and my high school graduation. I don't understand why I was okay with my last party, but am deeply nerved by this one. I simply want to crawl under my bed covers and hide for the next couple days. For the first time, I am not excited about my birthday, or even about it being the fourth of July. I'm hiding in my room...part of me doesn't want to see the fireworks either.

To other people it must seem like I am depressed, but I really am not. I'm just stressed at the moment. I don't know why I am so nerved by the prospect of turning eighteen tomorrow. I am perfectly okay with taking on new adult responsibilities...so what on earth is making me feel this way? I miss my family and friends in Ohio but I am at peace with my decision to move. I feel so confused and I don't like this constant clenching of my stomach.

Current Music I'm Listening To:

• Lily Allen: [album] It's not me, it's you
• Eclipse Soundtrack
• Creedence Clearwater Revival
• Otis Redding
• K'naan: [album] Troubadour
• She & Him: [album] Volume II

Books I'm Reading:

• The Girl Who Played With Fire; by Stieg Larsson
• To Kill a Mockingbird  (again); by Harper Lee
• The Economist (magazine)