My Life Fell Apart: A How-To Guide I Didn't Find on Google

I find a special kind of humor in depressing situations, like how I Googled "I'm a twenty something and my life just fell apart" little over a month ago.

I was extremely close to getting a full-time job I had worked hard for, which means my financial situation would have drastically improved; I was going to quit my job and be a much happier person as a result; I was engaged and then....things changed. Quickly, unbelievably, my world seemed to detach from the seams. All the "stitching" I had worked hard at broke away and I felt like I was literally falling apart. I moved back home because I no longer knew where home was. I was in this awful kind of nightmare, which was more terrifying than most because it was real.

I find a special kind of humor in the fact I turned to a search engine when I had no idea how to help myself out of this very real and complex situation. It was a sort of awakening. I opened my eyes and looked at the search results to find song lyrics, blog entries about discovering terminal illnesses far too young, and a plethora of random stories where twenty-somethings drop out of college and don't know what to do next. People turn to religion, diet fads, therapists, and books on "How to Be a Better You!"...

I tried Google again. I figured I needed to be more specific. It didn't matter how many variations I typed in the search bar because my searching would only result in articles written by people still searching. You can't find an answer for something that complex. You can laugh if you want to (I'm definitely still serious however) when I say there is a widespread problem occurring: Twenty-somethings are having some sort of self-identity crisis. So much for waiting twenty more years for that to happen, right?

The problem, which is also my problem, is that I have no idea what I want to do in life. I had no back up plan because I thought I didn't need one and I never wanted to consider that I would ever need a Plan B. I thought I finally figured out in the past few years who I was as a person and in 24 hours that self-identification was thrown out the window. I was immensely confident and now I feel like I've been hoodwinked by life. The truth is that the twenty years aren't too be wasted. You can't spend the rest of this time thinking you've got all the time in the world to figure shit because the time to figure it out is now, not ten years from now. If you put off self-improvement (finding a career you enjoy, going to school, thinking about a family, not being in bad relationships) because you only favor the idea of self-exploration (travel, hanging out with old friends, living for your hobbies, etc), you'll end up feeling unbalanced and unsatisfied. You need to focus on self-improvement and enjoy, not solely live for self-exploration.

So, what have I done in the meantime, now that I have this greater understanding of how to live my life? I've found ways to pass the time productively. This is the section for those of you that don't give a crap about my self-discovery, however, I feel you'll change your mind in time like I did.

What To Do When My Life Falls Apart

Make a Goal List.

Take a piece of paper and draw a horizontal line across the middle and a vertical line down the center of the page. This will leave you with four quadrants. Label the top left "Within 1-2 weeks," the top right "Within 3 months," the bottom left "Within 6 months," and the bottom right "Within 3 years." Now fill it out. Don't worry if you're not sure you'll accomplish them all because goals often change as you change as a person. Just as importantly, make sure you keep this list somewhere you see it every day (bathroom mirror, your car, or more privately on the wall of your closet.) Also make sure you cross off things as soon as you accomplish them. If you keep your goals realistic, you'll cross them off sooner than you think.

Invest in a Calendar.

When you're life falls apart, you find yourself with a lot more free time on your hands. Print out a calendar or grab your planner and start figuring out when you'll have too much free time. I'm not suggesting you overload your schedule and consequently become an exhausted mess of a person. I am suggesting you try balancing your work time with the amount of time you spend with other people with the amount of time you spend focusing on yourself. The amount of time you give yourself should not be part of your tv or computer time because you're doing absolutely nothing productive for those activities.

Budget Yourself.

Unless you already have a budget system in place, this time of your life is perfect to reexamine your financial situation. Find a new budget system (I ended up using one created by a mom trying to save money for her family's disney trip...obviously doesn't apply to my life but still very effective [ http://www.couponingtodisney.com/budget-binder/ ].) When you're too emotional to analyze your life, sometimes it's helpful to force yourself into thinking about the material aspects of it.

Process Your Emotions.

Have you ever been to the self-help section of the library or the bookstore? I have and I can tell you that I hate it. There are so many smiling faces, outrageous guarantees of a better life, and bright colors that it makes me want to scream in a public place (I refrain). If you seriously need a book to find comfort however (I'm one of those people who believe books hold magical powers), I suggest two things. 1) Avoid the self-help section and find a psychology section. Not all of us have depression, anxiety, or border-line personality disorder but if you're honestly going to this blog or Google because "your life is falling apart" then maybe you should look into therapy workbooks. The Dialectic Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is an excellent way to process your emotions. 2) Read the book "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter" by Dr. Meg Jay.

Read.

Read everything you ever wanted. I have too much free time on my hands when I'm not working my part-time job. Read non-fiction, fantasy, or comic books. Reading is important because you can expand your world view or find comfort in old childhood stories. It's a way to mediate for those of us that cannot hold still.

Learn to Enjoy Things as an Individual.

One of the biggest challenges I've had to overcome is enjoying things again. When you spend a lot of time with one person and do almost everything with them, you have to learn how to enjoy something without automatically thinking "Wow, ___ would have really liked this," or "I wish ___ was here," or "___ and I used to do this all the time." This is hard to do but you have to practice and I promise it will get easier.

Expand Your Circle.

I don't advise shutting everyone out of your life and cutting off your friends. I do think this is a good time to gently letting go of the negative people you know and finding new connections and better influences. All those times you needed an excuse to stop talking to that mean old friend of yours or the negative family member you can't see eye to eye with? Take a step back and realize this is the time for you to work on you.

Research Your Dreams Without Limitations.

I want to go back to school and enter the social and human services program at my local college so I've researched and started the list of things I need to do to make that happen. Along the way, I've also looked into things I've always been curious about like welding, writing a book, going on a road trip across america, visiting another country, teaching internship programs, and moving to New Orleans for the hell of it.

Am I going to do all of those things? Probably not but at least now I know if their attainable goals and desires.

Be Realistic.

Everyone wants an easy solution but there is seldom an easy solution for a complex problem. Find motivations for yourself even when you think there is no motivation left. Make finishing that book your motivation or go back to school or find a new job you might enjoy more than this one. Embrace change even when it feels like all the change might crush you. When you feel like you've lost control of your life, find something else you can control, even if that thing is as small as getting a haircut or reorganizing your finances or decorating your room. Bake a fucking cake and eat half of it. Go running every day. Sleep more consistently. Volunteer at a place you care about. There are so many things to do that it's up to you to fix yourself. There are things that help along the way but ultimately you are the deciding factor. Come out of this as a better person and regret nothing.

Yes, This is A Post About Faith

Why the blunt title? Unfortunately, I feel like I need to clarify myself whenever I decide to talk about religion.

Secondly, I have never written about my faith online before and I don't want this to result in a series of comments on how religion is for the uneducated or God is nonexistent (it saddens me to hear people say both of those things.)

I am writing this because I need to express my thoughts and I want everyone who is willing to please read them with me. This post is about respect, about our deepest compassion for fellow humans, and our confusing grief.

As with every tragedy, the suffering of the Boston Marathon yesterday has left me bewildered and confused.  How can God allow such suffering into this world? I find myself thinking over and over again these negative thoughts, but this morning I turned to a random page in my Bible and I wanted to share the comfort I found.

John 9:1-7 is the story of Jesus healing the blind man, a story most of us have heard. When His disciples ask if the man is blind because he or his parents have sinned in the past, Jesus explains that this man is only blind by the will of God, so that His works might by displayed in him.

This morning I realize once again that we have no control over the evil in this world. We are all pained by the idea that people can be dark inside and are wandering around blindly, lost from our deepest senses of community and human compassion. We must grieve for the people who are impacted, who are suffering; but we must foremost remember to trust in God. We must trust that he has allowed some souls to walk blindly so that we can help them find healing. We cannot forget to rise above the pain in order to help those that need Jesus's love most during this time.

For those of you reading that do not know God, I can understand your hesitance and I will never judge you. I have been there. If you can't turn to God in a time like this, turn to compassion. Find the fundamental connection all human beings have to one another and find a way to help.

If you cannot help the victims of the Boston Marathon attacks, hold the ones you love close. Choose to help the people around you find comfort in a time of confusion. Do what is right and good and forgive people before the next tragedy occurs. Do not live with regret. Find love in the knowledge that we are a global community and we can make small impacts that will result in a larger happiness.

Running Into Resistance

Do you ever have this overwhelming urge to write- to toss your anxieties across a canvas with a flurry of emotional release- but you are left desperate to find the right way to start? I close my eyes and I feel nothing but the shadow of exhaustion and stress. Lately, I feel nothing but anger at things I cannot control or frustration that change could not come soon enough. I have put so much effort into being a hard worker and it's more than disappointing to realize that it meant nothing to other people.

I don't write nearly as much as I did in the past. I need a new environment to explore or a new routine. Sleeping and having so many sporadic work hours is not a productive or good way for me to live; I am left anxious in this pattern of inconsistency and stress. My mind is either overcome with emotion and worry or I am left in this oddly blank state. I feel zoned out so that I can try not to think about all this bullshit I am currently dealing with.

It's hard to not just go back to bed and stay there until I must work again. I'm afraid I will snap at someone simply because they reminded me of all my anxieties. Not like they would need to, but it's a small concern I've thought about today. This daily stress has made my imagination more active than it probably should be.

Now, I am going to go watch The West Wing on Netflix and pretend I wasn't so tired. I'm slowly getting better at finding distractions. Hopefully I won't find it necessary to write more angry posts about my...anger.

Time is a Tease

Lately I have been exhausted, angry, and impatient.

When I work, I work to be the best I can because I have this static mindset that working hard will fix things again. People who matter will notice and I'll get what I've been working for all this time. I've been training for this position for months and apparently it does not matter. I sleep on these "days off" instead of work because they have no hours left to schedule me for. Somehow, I am still exhausted.

I am angry because I am relearning a life lesson that completely hurts to learn. I'm learning that few people outside of my friends and family will help me succeed. Sometimes I think that putting up a strong front is a mistake despite all of it's advantages. I am the only person who can change things because no one wants to talk to me about what we can do for both work and myself. I am angry because I feel that I have been played, that I am stuck in this awful place out of desperation to pay for necessities, and that there is currently no other option. I am angry that I cannot stop thinking about it and that my anxiety is following me around like a swift shadow.

I am impatient to get out of here. I'm looking for new jobs that will actually be worth working for and for a new place to live. I'm excited for our lease to end in April so we can have those new opportunities all around us. Moving to Seattle is what I have always wanted to do. I want to go back to school in the fall and I want to explore a city I love.

I don't want to be anxious or angry anymore. I want to be productive.

Advice From My Mother and Some Crazy Metaphors

Whether she knows it or not (probably not), I have been writing about my mother for a long time. She is like a sequoia tree; not just another organism, but a constant force of nature and firmly planted to the ground. She has strong, proud roots and she uses them to hold everything around her together. She is full of warmth and wisdom. During stormy weather she maintains her ground and stands taller than before. Her arms stretch out far and wide to protect the ones she loves or to reach out to the ones who need someone to listen; her love has no bounds. My mother is like a sequoia; she is not easy to forget.

It would surely be impossible to transcribe all of the things my mother has taught me, however, I feel the need to write down a key few that have helped me in my young adult life compared to, let's say, "Chanel, push your drink back from the table or you will spill it." (Funny enough, I still find myself doing this for other people without thinking of how odd it might be for them.)

One

When I was so anxious that I could not physically force myself out of the car and in to the school bus that would take me to the Academic Decathlon competition, you grasped my hand firmly with yours and said, "Take a deep breath. Every time you feel like crying, laugh."

Two

We were sharing a bed at my grandparents' house. We had not slept next to each other in years and I was visiting for spring break. It was like a novel in a way, laying next to my mother and at the the foot of the bed were gauze-like curtains that made a thunderstorm seem theatrical. The lightening softly illuminated the small guest bedroom and I could not help but recall the time she had taught my brother and I how to waltz in a summer thunderstorm when we were younger.

She pulled me close to face her and asked, "Chanel, when will you start taking chances?" In order to love and trust someone to begin with, she said, you must learn to let go. Learn to live a little. That was a few days after Bryce had told me he liked me and a month later we started dating. I'm extremely grateful I took that chance.

Three

"What do you have to lose?"

I had called my mother crying. Crying because I felt lost, confused, and at the moment quite angry. Things were finally looking up. I had a good job, I had moved out and I was living with Bryce. I had not expected to start thinking that he thought the Airforce might be a good option for him. It was ultimately my choice but how could I begin to make that choice? I had no future plans and yet I had no idea what that would mean for us. She spoke calmly into the phone.

"What do you have to lose? I don't mean that in a negative way but you are a time in your life when you can still take risks and if things don't work out, you pick up the pieces and move on. Who knows? This might be a positive thing. You have to make the choice for yourself, no one else. You are stronger than you know."

___________________________

I have seen her during extremely low points and during wonderfully high points. She can tell when I need to talk to her even if I put on a cheery voice. She taught me to respect my elders, how to always listen, to help anyone who needs it but to realize that they won't change if they don't also try to help themselves. She teaches me to be strong when I sometimes cannot find the strength to get out of bed. She teaches me to constantly learn from people and educate myself. She teaches me that making other people happy before me is no way to truly be happy in life. My mother teaches me that life is hard and it is whatever you make of it. 

She is the strongest person I have ever known. No matter their age, or if they may disagree with her; people still show her a deep respect simply because she is firm (or perhaps this strength is just genetic stubbornness?). No definitely firm and strong...like a sequoia tree even ;] (this is where you laugh at my use of metaphors, momma.)

I love you. If I could, I would draw you a picture to go here but, alas, I lost my box of crayons while traveling. (For you readers, this is not a joke. I seriously lost my box of crayons and it was cool because it had one of those fancy crayon sharpeners on the back of the box. Damn you Crayola!)

A Long Journey Ahead

My old journals surround me and, as I turn their pages, I feel like I am having conversations with my younger selves. They tell me of their worries, dreams, and fears. Reading them makes me wish I could hold my own hands and tell that far away girl that things get better in the end.

I'm writing a book. Quite plainly, it is simultaneously exhausting and wonderful. Looking back on past events and then writing about them is comparable to seeing a therapist for an hour or more everyday. The difference is that you are talking to yourself but there is no one there to listen, which is just as crazy as it sounds.

I can't believe how motivated I am. I don't feel conceited in the slightest by wanting to write about my own experiences, rather I hope that my story will help someone else. I hope that when this is all said and done there will be a stranger who reads my words and finds courage to talk about things. Our society lacks true honesty. It's ironic that we demand honesty from everyone around us, yet we refuse to be honest with ourselves. The only reason I have gotten so far in the past year is because I've made a extremely difficult choice--to be honest with myself and everyone else. It's freeing.

Despite how exciting this is and all of my motivation, I can't help pondering what people might think of me. What happens when my words--all of those things I've kept hidden in the bindings of journals or buried deep inside of me--are printed across a page? What happens when people don't like my honesty because the reality of things is too difficult to hear?

Christ and Caffeine

Sunday

At least I think it is Sunday. I've been awake since 8 a.m. yesterday and I barely slept on the flight to Katy, Texas. We went over to the Pulley house around 7 p.m. and had a bonfire until 3 a.m. Bryce stayed with us until we left for the airport and I suddenly felt clingy and sad. It's going to be a long week.

In the past twenty-four hours I've consumed 2 mountain dews, 2 grande triple-shot mochas, and one bottle of water. I'm still exhausted. The flight went well and Uncle Darrell met us at the airport, where we loaded into a large, white van. With all nine passengers and myself, I wondered if we were being kidnapped, smuggled into Texas, or if we were just on our mission trip.

At the moment, we are hanging out in the church that is hosting us (which ironically is named Memorial Lutheran compared to our own church Community of Christ at Memorial Lutheran). We get the entire second floor to the rec building to ourselves and the youth room in filled with couches to sleep on. It's wonderful compared the the shipping containers and metal bunks we stayed in on last year's New Orleans trip.

........

10:40 p.m.

Our main contact at the Krause Children's Treatment Center, Jason, came to talk to us and then we went to the the center for the first time. It was nerve-wracking being put into a gym with a bunch of teens. Keeping the conversation going was sometimes more difficult than starting one. We spent most of the time playing four-square and the guys were a lot nicer than the girls.

Monday

We wake up at 7 a.m. and have to be ready by 8:15, which is more difficult than it sounds considering I'm two hours behind and not a morning person. The church we are staying at has their Vacation Bible School this week and we'll be volunteers for them until Friday. This church is larger than ours and consequently has more kids than I'm used to in one place. Miranda, Peter and I are going to be in the music room all week. I have a feeling I'll know all of these Preschool songs for the rest of my life.

VBS ends around noon and we come back for lunch and free time. We also used this time to figure out what we'll be doing at the worship service at Krause. Every day we have to create our own service and I'm not sure how the kids will react to what we do. Apparently the kids go on a volunteer basis but that doesn't give me much comfort.

........

We each went up and gave brief testimonies about why we are here in Katy and why we want to help these kids. I wasn't specific about my own experiences. I was slightly shaking because I hate public speaking and I couldn't bring myself to look at people's faces. I was the only person tonight who said they used to be angry at God. I hope that made some sort of impact.

We came "home" after playing games in the gym for two hours and started planning tomorrow's worship service. More caffeine. We said our highs and lows of the day, did devotions and then prayer partners. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to think about the stories I've already heard. I feel like they can see right through me. I want to close my eyes and scream.

Tuesday

I'm exhausted. We've only been here three days and I want a break. I still don't want to talk to anyone. I feel guilty about not sharing with people but it's too difficult.

The kids like to play Ultimate Frisbee but we use a rubber chicken because it's more fun. Have you ever tried to throw or catch a rubber chicken? It's awkward and silly.

I met a girl today. I decided to sit alone for worship because I didn't want to be there. She (let's call her Cassy) came in the room and made a last minute decision to sit next to me. We didn't talk the entire time and I didn't find out her name until dinner. Another girl (call her Sally?) sat in the room in front of mine but has talked to me several times already. I think she wants to talk more. The kids requested a song and I had never heard it before. It was heartbreaking and I realized that Sally and Cassy were both crossing their arms like myself with their heads down.

I need to talk to them.

Thursday

I'm aware that there is a day gap. Yesterday we went to the Houston aquarium and to the ocean. It was cloudy all day but the water was warm. Pastor took us to Chick-Fil-A and we had a good time. Pastor kept saying that this was a life changing experience (going to Chick-Fil-A, that is). This was the only day we could take pictures (because we aren't permitted at the places we volunteer).

On another note, I took Miranda to the Emergency Room tonight. We were setting up for worship and she stepped back and then collapsed into a chair. She said it felt like her bone moved but the xrays came back good. She's in a brace and crutches to help with the sprain. I'm glad it went smoothly. She has a high pain tolerance and I knew it was bad when she started crying. I was upset but as soon as I realized she was seriously injured I went into this weird calm. Pastor and I took her to the ER and the rest of the group staying at Krause.

When we came back to pick them up though, we could tell something was wrong. The looks on their faces was as if they witnessed death. I don't know how else to describe it. Apparently, they had just left the building when a girl that Erica had spoken to jumped a side fence. She looked at them and then ran away. We're in shock. We're hurt. I'm confused.

Friday

It's the last day here. I don't know how to talk about it. We played board games at Krause and I got to see Sally again. I wanted to talk to her so much but I didn't know how, so we just played UNO. I didn't see Cassy until worship and she sat next to me again. She smiles now. She wanted to know where we were yesterday. I'm going to miss her because she's such a sweetheart.

I gave the mini sermon at worship and was shaking pretty bad. I wrote it at lunch and it was about prayer. Everyone told me it was good but I wish I hadn't been so nervous. I couldn't look at their faces again. Cassy and "L" sat next to me. I can't think about leaving them. I just think about the girl who was waving to us from the trailer when we arrived. I think about the girl who told Ally that she saved her life. I think about Cassy and L and Sally hugging me and joking that I should put them in a duffell bag and take them home. Cassy hugged me three times and I could barely hold back my tears. I don't want to leave, now that we are finally comfortable with visiting and talking to them.

On the other hand, I want to go home. I don't want to think about this everyday.

Monday

We packed up and left Katy, Texas on Saturday morning. Friday night we found out that my dog had to be put down and I had to tell my sister. I held her in my arms and we both cried. My baby is gone and that's still  unbelievable to me. Saturday we drove to Humble, TX to spend the afternoon at Darrell's house. He made amazing bbq and we had a good time in the pool. I don't think any of us wanted to think about the people we were leaving behind.

Our flight was delayed an hour and a half but thankfully we made it home that night. I went over to dinner at my parent's house and cried because I wasn't greeted by Starbucks. I feel like I'm living as a different person. I don't know how to reflect on this week. I was so busy and emotionally exhausted every day that now I feel numb. I'm happy to be home but it's like my brain isn't sure what to do now.

Climbing Hills: An Update on Myself for Curious Minds

I've come a long way in the past year. A year ago I was too scared to talk to anyone, let alone be honest with myself about my anxiety. Seven months ago I realized that I wasn't truly helping myself and wanted someone to fix things for me. Six months ago I had my second, terrible panic attack and, since I'm being honest, was told that I couldn't go to college for a whole year due to my awful GPA. I was in a downward slope and waiting for things to get better but they didn't. I couldn't get out of bed most days, something I've now written about on my other blog (thankfully I started writing again).

For years I've been stuck in a continuous pattern of being on top of the world, confident in myself and my abilities, and motivated to do more. Then something will happen to damage my confidence. Then something else. Then another...until finally these little chips cause enough damage to shatter the glass world, which for so long I had thought was unbreakable. It could be weeks or months until I start to climb back up the hill and the cycle starts all over again.

I'm at the top of the hill right now and I am scared that I might trip and fall down. The good news, however, is that I'm not scared all of the time. You may not understand how crucial of a difference that is. Sure I may still have my worries and wonder how long this "winning" streak will really last but it's loads better than the comparison. I'm not going to bed every night and thinking about the possibility that tomorrow morning I could quite possibly wake up and be filled with anxiety for no reason. Trust me when I say this has happened before. If anyone has anxiety, this is a possibility.

There are a few reasons why I think my stress levels have gone down considerably.

1. I was able to finish my list of short term goals (find a stable job, decrease loans, move out)
2. I moved out and I finally feel like an adult.
3. Bryce.

I refuse to feel guilty about moving out with Bryce and it's not simply because I'm stubborn. It's because I don't feel guilty. I feel more like an adult now that I'm working hard and paying bills. I've proved to myself and everyone who told me how difficult it would be that I can be independent and responsible. I've dramatically changed in how I choose to deal with my anxiety and I've never been happier. This is the best decision I've ever made for myself.

This year I have had to learn something I never wanted to accept: I'm never going to please everyone. I cannot accurately describe how difficult that is. The mentality you have as a kid dealing with extremely dependent and verbally abusive peers turns you into a person willing to anything to make them happy, even if it means putting your own happiness on hold. That guilt trigger never goes away and it changes into something more complex when you get older; it grows up with you. I don't want to feel guilty anymore when it comes to my own happiness. I would have never expected that I'd be living with my boyfriend and that I wasn't graduating with my associates degree right now. That wasn't part of my plan but I'm oddly grateful.

People tell you from the time you are in seventh grade that everything you do from then on determines your success in finding a good college and it's a repeating record you hear until graduation. Then we supposedly all go to college or universities but I can't help but  feel cheated. It wasn't until this past year that I started hearing stories from people about their 19 and 20 year-old selves and you know what? I keep hearing all about their mistakes and how things didn't work out how they originally had planned. While there are some people who talk to me about their regrets, I'm still surprised that the majority of people regret none of their mistakes during these years. They experienced them, they adapted their plans and they moved on. Why didn't we hear about those things among the pressures to graduate college right out of high school? Maybe if I heard more of those things a few years ago, I wouldn't have felt like such a failure this year. I want to go back to school eventually but I'm learning that there isn't a right way to live your life. That idea is utter bullshit and unrealistic.

That's what should have been on the high school agenda: teach children they will make mistakes and that they can pick up the pieces to move forward.

A Long and Overdue Reflection on Intellectual Candy and How I Would be Diabetic in Another Reality

If I were to say that it feels like forever since I've written anything on here, I can imagine you pointing at your computer screen and accusing me of being Captain Obvious. My absence can only be explained by the odd absence of words; it startles me that I suddenly stopped writing in the amounts like I have always done. I have saved my words for the margins of my old novels with cracked spines and rough pages. I look back at my entries from a year ago and I still read the words of a lost girl, who does not know what to do with her life and how she will get there successfully. To write of all these deeper feelings is like admitting defeat, admitting with great reluctance that I cannot see how I have changed in this past year. Here I am, freshly nineteen, and I feel like I've failed at growing up. Doesn't anyone else feel this desperate, panic-filled cloud settling down upon them? This air has become humid with the summer heat and I am struggling to enjoy myself like I believe I should.

College this year has been equivalent to candy. Each quarter felt like a new treat, a new opportunity, and I would gorge myself with as much information as possible until somewhere along the line I'd become aware of the sickening twirl of my stomach. The worries would consume me. I'd question everything, lose all interest in the taste of such sugary goodness, and do my best not to admit how ashamed and embarrassed I was for not listening to my parents; I should have moderated my diet....and then it continues again.

What can I say for my behavior? Nothing. I cannot even appease myself. Therefore I read my worn copies of Anna Karenina and The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana and To Kill a Mockingbird and my latest obsession, Reading Lolita in Tehran. I read; I underline words that make me want to weep, that make me cry silently, that make my heart skip a beat with their lovely prose and the ordinary words that only have personal significance. I wish I had an idea for a book. I'd write it and prove to myself perhaps that I am passionate about writing but able and able to finish something, finish anything, too. I completely immerse myself in the fictional pages that are haphazardly stacked under and around my bed, and I write about it all in my little leather book.

This is my game of hide and seek: I take my little Italian-made notebook to whatever sort of place. I sit. I write. My observations scratch the surfaces of those creamy pages (with the black inked pen I had so meticulously chosen that morning) and I drink my tea or coffee in silence. And when you see me, approach me, strike up an ordinary comment that carefully follows the rules of conversation between strangers, At least it is not raining this morning...Were you in my last college class? History, right?...Do you know when the next bus arrives?... when you break my silence with your words I look at you with a smile and decide it is time to move on. I feel caught like a child stealing more candy.

How I wish I could moderate my sweets.

How to Write an Academic Paper (and maintain relative sanity)

I wanted to write this blog entry for myself and because I wanted to share it with everyone who has ever struggled with writing a paper. I took honors and AP English classes, I read and write constantly, I've had to do a research paper for each year of high school, and I admit (embrace the nerd!) that I love researching things. That said, I know how to write a paper.

The usual set back is that I cannot write a good research paper, or I cannot get enough length of solid material, or I cannot accomplish both of these things without losing my head. I hope you can use any of this to your advantage. Most of it is from my ENG 101 and ENG 102 classes from college.

10 Steps to Guide You on Your Quest

1. Brainstorm parallel or intersecting ideas (or rather points of agreement versus points of conflict) that you came across in your sources. Think of this step as making a pool for all those scattered thought processes; once they're down on paper it will be easier to keep track of them.
   
   
2. Next, write down some of the main ideas, themes, concepts or terms that you can pull from your idea pool.
   
   
3. Narrow down this list even further and pick a topic that you are interested in and that you can see yourself having enough to write about for your paper requirements. [Remember to have it be balanced so your paper, for example, won't be too broad and result in a very scattered, unorganized final paper. On the other hand, too narrow of a topic might not provide you with enough resources to reach your goal length.]
   
   
4. Time for Quote-Mining! Reread your notes and sources to find quotes you may want to use within your paper. Type them up (later all you'll have to do is copy/paste them) and cite them.
   
   
5. If you think it will help make the organization process easier for your paper, move quotes around on the document; group quotes together that are similar in ideas or that support your argument in the same way.
   
   
6. Quote Sandwiches! These are the probably the quickest way to write thorough, organized paragraphs.
• Introduction: [identify source (might also establish ethos or credibility), context, significance]
• Evidence: [either a quote or paraphrase. Cite correctly]
• Analysis: [Breaks down, interprets, and connects to your claim. Also is the transition to next idea, or quote sandwich.]
  
  
7. Write a conclusion. Your last chance to leave an impression on the reader and "build their memory" regarding your thesis.
   
   
8. Write an introduction. Now that you actually know the point you wanted to make in your paper, you can better introduce the reader to your topic or ease them into your thesis. Consider the different ways you can capture their attention, prepare and interest your reader, and how to best present your argument.
   
   
9. Make sure you write your paper with enough time to put it away for a while. Proofing your paper works best, not a 4 a.m. with another cup of coffee, but after taking a day of rest for sanity's sake. When you reread your paper, try to forget everything you already know about it from your research and pretend to be a new reader, or just have someone else read a copy of it too. Multiple opinions can strengthen your paper because they can point out stupid grammar mistakes as well as show you if they got lost in a transition, etc.
   
   
10. Final step: Revel in your glory and satisfaction...then get some sleep.

Some Useful Links:

• After searching through those stupid databases for sources try The Free Library (also might provide you with interesting topics for a paper): http://www.thefreelibrary.com/
• College usually gives you more freedom to write about some pretty cool things (like Facebook, Wikipedia, or zombies...all of which I've included in previous papers). This site features videos of really interesting, intelligent people talking about their really interesting, intelligent ideas. *Warning* this site could prove to be as detrimental to your writing process as it could prove to be helpful: instead of staying on track you may find yourself procrastinating for hours watching neat videos rather than writing: http://www.ted.com/talks
• Not much to say here except, thank you creators of this site. Your guide to anything dealing with general writing or MLA format. Bookmark this and use it: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/
• Although you should always double check to see if comes out correctly (use link above to do so), here is a link to a citation generator: http://www.easybib.com/

Super Glue My Heart Together

I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I want to curl up in a ball and cry like a child. I hate having to act grown up mature about it, knowing that life can suck sometimes and I only have so much control. I hate how my stomach hurts, I get headaches, and that I'm so easy to read when something is bothering me. I hate feeling every year as if I'm choosing one half of my family over the other half, that its like I'm ripping myself a new home. It's this terrible, unfulfilling cycle of back and forth. I'm so blessed with everything but on days like today, when I have to pack up and leave people again, I wish I didn't have to choose. I want to be selfish, I want to be spoiled, and I want to believe that I can have both halves of my family with me in the same place. It kills me that I know deep down that this isn't how life works, that people can't follow me forever, and that I need to accept things to move on.

Probably for the first time in my life, I don't know when I'll see the other half of my family again. It's always been easy to follow, not easy to execute, but easy to live with. I'd always spend the summers with my dad and every other Christmas. After I leave tomorrow, I won't have a definite date of when I'll return to my other home. I don't like this. I hate this feeling of the unknown about something I've always known. I've always been able to cope with the constant back and forth because I knew exactly what month I'd see them next. I feel like I've been laying bread crumbs all these years and now someone has picked them up when I wasn't around.

Within the hour, it will be the new year, 2011. Every year I'm always so hopeful about it and excited, but then the night comes around and I realize that it doesn't really matter. It means nothing unless we make it mean something ourselves. No clock or countdown can make reality better or our lives easier. And yet...here we are; thrilled by the idea every single year that this one stroke at midnight will change everything. We're brainwashing ourselves, but really we can change our attitudes or change or actions in life anytime we wish.

I'm being such a downer but at this point in time I don't care. I don't understand how I can be so incredibly happy and still feel so lost. For the first time in my life I'm enjoying school, I have more than two amazing friends, and I'm doing something I'm passionate about all at the same time. Why does it feel like I'm still missing something?

Hold me tight enough that I don't fall apart at the airport terminal.

My 2011 ... List of Motivation

I realize that I have some time left until the end of the month and the start of a new year, however, I feel like I want to make a list of New Year Resolutions (gasp, can it be so?!). I've never been a fan of goal setting - goals in general make me unnecessarily angry, confused, and upset - probably because I have a fear of completion. It is for precisely that reason that I think, finally, I want to start anew. It's not that I want to forget anything this year, on the contrary I want to remember it all in order to make this next year even better. I deserve it. I see this now, I understand and I want more good things to continue to flow my way. So here it is, my goal list for 2011. (Yay, I didn't cringe at the word, or refuse to do my teacher's stupid goals for the year assignment...I knew I could do it [:  ) *These are in no particular order of importance.*

• Accept the madness that is my thinking process. Acknowledge that I make things far more complex than I probably should, but accept that sometimes its the best way for me to learn things correctly.
  
• Do not tell myself, "I don't deserve to be happy" or "I can have that experience later." This is an utter bullshit excuse Chanel Violet Caulfield, and I will not put up with your excuses any more.
  
• Do all assignments. It may be painful, but do it anyways.
  
• Have a mocha budget ... cut down to three mochas a week at the most. No more than three (unless I find change in my tootsie roll jar).
  
• Write two handwritten letters every month. It's always something I want to do, but never do.
  
• Challenge myself to take more photos. I miss spending every day with my camera, and while that may be inconvenient with my new schedule, there's no reason I can't spend one day a week learning more about my hobby.
  
• Library more. Bookstores less.
  
• Do more chores at the house. Make a serious effort to these little necessities, rather than television on those "ohmygoodness there's no commitment right now" nights.
  
• Speaking of commitments, don't over commit. There are many lovely things I want to do, but if I do too many things I will stop being lovely. I will turn to my caffeine addiction, get grumpy, lose sleep, lose patience, and possibly kill (the spirits of people, not kill people themselves).
  
• DO NOT FORGET why I started writing in the first place, why it is my passion, why I wanted to become a journalist and why that idea has been stuck in my head ever since. Do not forget the important creative ideas when thinking of the particular, detail driven ideas.
  
• Don't be embarrassed of myself, for whatever stupid reason. I am myself and that is that. It's been proven a few times that people think I'm a neat person, so stop second guessing what they may think. On that note....
  
• ...STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.
  
• Fail. DO IT. Don't fail a class, or fail to maintain a promise; no. Fail at the stupid things that you think are really important but in the grand scheme of things aren't...
  
• ...loosen up.

Learning to Accept Rather than Reject.

One of the most difficult things for me is accepting money. Perhaps, it's because I hate feeling indebted to someone. Maybe it's because I've always been a sucker for guilt. Whatever the reason may be, it has proved to be very difficult to accept the green bills graciously. My mother keeps buying me little things, and why they may be necessities in the life of a "broke college student" (such as socks, clothing items, etc; or not necessary such as coffee) I feel oh so guilty. I've been reprimanded several times already for pushing away the spoiling affection from my mother. I'm sorry, Mom. It's difficult for me to accept gifts when I would much rather give them.

As a result, I've decided that my goal for this Christmas will be to ACCEPT IT, NOT REJECT IT.

• I will accept my mother's unnecessary spoiling.
• I will accept the cash that she hands me and I will continue to ask her for more (eek, my heels will not reluctantly dig into the ground) if I do not have enough to see friends.
• I will not fret if I don't get them gifts until the days after Christmas because its not that big of a deal.
• I will not think about all the things I have done wrong, because I'm here on Christmas vacation.
• I will eat as much food as I want to, whether it be healthy or not.
• I will allow myself days of sleeping in and not worry about the things that "need" to get done.
• I will relax and not think ill of the future.

In addition I'm going to try and make a Christmas list. Why "try" to make one? Well, I never know what to ask for. Usually, if I want something really special, I save up for it and buy it myself. So here it goes:

• Burts Bees chapstick.
• new ink pens
• memory card reader (although I might not wait that long. I'm in desperation to upload my photos already)
• (eighteen minutes later, not an exaggeration)...socks?...geez this shouldn't be difficult. I get back to this later.

Like An Impostor of My Childhood

I'm laying in my bed after seven months of moving away to Washington state. It's the same room I slept in since I was five and I feel rather odd being here. The furniture still remains but nothing else fills these empty shelves. The desk isn't cluttered with an array of papers, journals, doodles, and unsorted receipts. My dresser has no perfume, jewelry, or childhood collectibles on top of it anymore. There is a curious feeling I can't pinpoint that's associated with being in this white-walled shell of my childhood. It's only been seven months and already I feel like a different person; almost an impostor in my own home.

I have so many memories that I've thought about, just by laying in my bed right now. I can recount the sleepless nights, the afternoons wasted listening to music on my bed doodling rather than doing homework, the frustrations I cried over as a stupid thirteen year old, the happy feelings that derived from friendships and family, the hollow feeling I felt when a relationship didn't work out well and the lovely feelings when they did. Its striking how we can contain such an array of memories in an object or a place; I think its beautiful.

I've been awake for about twenty hours now because I took the Airporter bus at 2 a.m.. I hope I can adjust to this time zone quickly. One thing I have always loved about flying is the clouds and I took several photos of them with the snowy mountains today. I particularly love how the clouds look like a separate world and no one can touch them, they remain pure. I feel so small when I'm looking down at Earth but I could never ignore how beautiful and calming it is to look down at thousands of people in an instant. That's simply incredible. The earth looks like a slab of clay that goes on forever, molded and kneaded into mountains, rivers, valleys and plains.

On a different note, I hate it when you want to talk to someone but you are afraid of coming off like you're annoying. I don't know why but I can't help it. I hate how everything that should be fairly simple can be (or at least seem to be) complex.

I also think I have a tendency to run away from my problems, as if somehow it will actually help. Things don't disappear and I know this...but its easier when I can physically get away from everything for a while. School, despite how much I love college, has physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted me as if its goal was to make me a raisin. I used to be so eager to learn and now I feel eager to do nothing but sleep.

Tomorrow I will be attending my mom's work Christmas party and I'm excited to dress up for it. I'm excited to continue eating this delicious food my (step)dad makes and I'm excited to see people I missed. I also plan on reading as many books as I possibly can before I head back to educational overload; I have a list of unnecessary book candy on my phone haha. Yea, book candy, in other words its candy for the nerdiness inside in book format....yeah that's all I can write for now. I'll try and keep this updated more.

A Continuation of Midnight Ramblings

I really must be insane. It's my only logical conclusion at this point in time. It is Thanksgiving night and I am waiting for three hours to pass by so I can go shopping with my mom for Black Friday sales...that doesn't sound sane in any way. I'm attempting to write this but so far I've been distracted numerous times.

I made my grandma's homemade apple pie today...the top crust was a fail but it was yummy nonetheless. It was my first thanksgiving here in WA and I had a good time, but I missed my other family members too. I guess they had new york strip instead of turkey in Ohio...I'm still rather jealous. They also made my "oops I overcooked the potatoes so lets make mashed potatoes instead" recipe haha. I came up with it last year by adding bacon, onions cooked in a little beer and garlic. yummm.

It's taking a lot from me to not pull down one of my books right now. I know that once I begin, I'll not do anything else (like homework, etc). Two more weeks and I'll be able to read until my eyes pop out, yay....I just came to the conclusion that by writing on here I'm not particularly accounting my day or discussing something meaningful...I'm simply talking to myself....oh dear.

...I'm not sure I want to continue..

Footprints of Ink

I cannot focus today. I'm being stubborn on purpose, and I know it. I feel like a five-year-old slamming my fists on the ground because I know things need to be done, but I really don't want to do them. I have a paper that is due Wednesday, I have laundry flowing over the rim of my hamper and spilling on the floor, I have a headache, the weather is gray and gross, and I have this over whelming urge to crawl under my covers and sleep for a few days.

All of these things have contributed to my bitter mood today and I hate how cynical I sound. Please forgive me if I say something mean and unnecessary, please? I'm truly sorry. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed out, and I feel burnt out. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do right now in order to make myself feel better.

It is immensely difficult to sit down and feel this urge to write something that has nothing to do with my class or the newspaper, and not be able to properly convey how I am feeling. All my words taste dry on my tongue and when I write it's as if my pen is barely full of ink. I hope that this christmas break will prove to be energizing.

I know I'm on the right path but its like I'm walking around aimless without dropping breadcrumbs, just in case.

I Can Hear My Monotone

Despite the fact I have been writing constantly, it has been far too long since I last recorded my stupid little thoughts on this stupid little blog. Why have it? I'm still trying to answer that question...I should be writing another paper for my college class, but I have literally tossed it aside out of frustration. I feel brain-dead. I feel exhausted. I feel like I still have a lot of catching up to do.

Recently my life has revolved around: my Marketplace of Ideas class, The Olympian newspaper (where I will be hired to work for next quarter), my volunteer work at Children of the Nations, my addiction to caffeine despite my lack of income, the newspaper, writing, and not nearly enough sleep. I had to drop my math class because I couldn't manage my time properly anymore. There are so many things I need to do, I want to do, and I keep forgetting to do.

I feel as if my brain is slowly being nuked by the microwave I associate with college. Everyday I go find some caffeine to intake in order to get my thoughts flowing. It lasts for a while...eventually I crash, burn, and either nap or play Nintendo 64 Mario on the projector screen.

Yesterday, I went with Kaylee to Seattle. We both chopped off our long hair, went to the art museum, and ate fantastic pasta. That was a lovely day :] Today, I went back to Seattle with my family and saw the Harry Potter movie in the Imax theater. We got the best seats ever (thank you Miranda for temporarily being in a wheelchair?) and afterwards walked through the Harry Potter exhibition. I was sorted into Ravenclaw, I pulled Mandrakes from pots, and I sat in Hagrid's big, leather chair. It was another good day.

I miss my best friends...still. I think I mentioned this in my last post...I still miss my family too.

..Geez, this sounds so pathetic.

The Numbers Have It: I Like Writing More.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, the removal of wisdom teeth (the surgery itself) is not nearly as bad as the week to follow. Sure it sucked being stuck on the sofa for several days, too drugged out to do much but sleep and have "loopy" conversations with my newspaper editor (arguing claims over an academic paper on disturbing topics and claiming green onions are the reasons aliens in Hollywood are often green skinny things). And sure it was painful to realize just how obsessed Americans are with food (there are too many pizza commercials on television than is healthy for society), particularly when I couldn't eat anything solid for six days. Nothing could have prepared me for the stomach-ache (literally as well as figuratively) my pain medications caused. I am glad that those nights are over and I am delighted that I can eat real food again.

I miss my best friends. I miss the one who is only ten minutes away just as much as the one who is 2485 miles away. I miss talking to them and unconciously letting all of my stress melt away. They help me stay happy, and lately I'm not nearly as happy as I know I could be.

I miss my mother, father, and brother. I miss the fall drives we always would take in the beautiful valleys of Ohio in the autumn right about now. The other day we drove spontaneously through the outer back-roads of the Olympian mountains. It reminded me of those long drives in Ohio and, while it may have been comforting and peaceful, I just wanted to hug my mom.

I'm studying for my stupid Math 99 class and trying to memorize all the anal rules and OCD ways my teacher wants us to write answers down. Its just a little ridiculous. I wish I could have not gone to class and instead stayed at the volunteer position I have at Children of the Nations. Its quiet, productive, and pleasant there. Plus, I feel like I'm contributing to society.

Write to you later. I really must focus now :P

College Requires: Pens, Caffeine, & Paper

I'm not sure if I'm exhausted or excessively caffeinated at this point. Its a Wednesday, the middle of my school week and I'm tired, but when I go to bed I struggle falling asleep. I'm too excited, too eager about going back to school the next day. I love my Journalism/English 101 class. I don't even notice when three hours go by because I am completely absorbed. Math...is easy and boring. I'm sure that I only find it easy because its Day # 3 but what else is there to do? I finished all the practice and homework problems for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I shall do in class again. Perhaps, I will start brainstorming questions for my newspaper articles.

My article for the school paper made the front page. Financial aid is quite an important issue, and I hadn't realized my editor gave me that kind of challenge. It came into print yesterday :] I have been nothing but smiles.

For having so much happen in such a short amount of time, I cannot think of anything else to say. I'm tired but extremely happy.

Simply Exhausted.

Freshman orientation is worse than my high school freshman orientation in the fact that I didn't know the majority of those people since kindergarten. I didn't know the campus, the best places to park, or the location of the nearest soda machine (I've now found that the cheapest ones are tucked behind the off limits/under construction area by the Tech Building. 50 cents for a soda!) I walked in, grabbed a free lanyard, collected the free folder full of information they were passing out, and then suddenly realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't have any friends there to hide by or to talk to. I looked to my right and thankfully a girl was doing the same thing as myself. Introductions, hello my name is...we found safety in our common shyness...That was all Wednesday.

Spent most of the week seeing Renae here and there. Drinking mochas here and there. Yesterday I worked at the college newspaper. I still feel awkward and hesitant to ask too many questions. It was beautiful to walk through the campus on my own. It was sprinkling (of course) and chilly but magical all the same. Everything was calm and quiet except the crunching of leaves here and there. Then I spent the night at Renae's house and talked to Eddie on Skype too. It was nice to speak with both of my best friends at the same time. I'm always missing one of them, it seems.

I'm tired of missing.