Learning to Accept Rather than Reject.

One of the most difficult things for me is accepting money. Perhaps, it's because I hate feeling indebted to someone. Maybe it's because I've always been a sucker for guilt. Whatever the reason may be, it has proved to be very difficult to accept the green bills graciously. My mother keeps buying me little things, and why they may be necessities in the life of a "broke college student" (such as socks, clothing items, etc; or not necessary such as coffee) I feel oh so guilty. I've been reprimanded several times already for pushing away the spoiling affection from my mother. I'm sorry, Mom. It's difficult for me to accept gifts when I would much rather give them.

As a result, I've decided that my goal for this Christmas will be to ACCEPT IT, NOT REJECT IT.

• I will accept my mother's unnecessary spoiling.
• I will accept the cash that she hands me and I will continue to ask her for more (eek, my heels will not reluctantly dig into the ground) if I do not have enough to see friends.
• I will not fret if I don't get them gifts until the days after Christmas because its not that big of a deal.
• I will not think about all the things I have done wrong, because I'm here on Christmas vacation.
• I will eat as much food as I want to, whether it be healthy or not.
• I will allow myself days of sleeping in and not worry about the things that "need" to get done.
• I will relax and not think ill of the future.

In addition I'm going to try and make a Christmas list. Why "try" to make one? Well, I never know what to ask for. Usually, if I want something really special, I save up for it and buy it myself. So here it goes:

• Burts Bees chapstick.
• new ink pens
• memory card reader (although I might not wait that long. I'm in desperation to upload my photos already)
• (eighteen minutes later, not an exaggeration)...socks?...geez this shouldn't be difficult. I get back to this later.

Like An Impostor of My Childhood

I'm laying in my bed after seven months of moving away to Washington state. It's the same room I slept in since I was five and I feel rather odd being here. The furniture still remains but nothing else fills these empty shelves. The desk isn't cluttered with an array of papers, journals, doodles, and unsorted receipts. My dresser has no perfume, jewelry, or childhood collectibles on top of it anymore. There is a curious feeling I can't pinpoint that's associated with being in this white-walled shell of my childhood. It's only been seven months and already I feel like a different person; almost an impostor in my own home.

I have so many memories that I've thought about, just by laying in my bed right now. I can recount the sleepless nights, the afternoons wasted listening to music on my bed doodling rather than doing homework, the frustrations I cried over as a stupid thirteen year old, the happy feelings that derived from friendships and family, the hollow feeling I felt when a relationship didn't work out well and the lovely feelings when they did. Its striking how we can contain such an array of memories in an object or a place; I think its beautiful.

I've been awake for about twenty hours now because I took the Airporter bus at 2 a.m.. I hope I can adjust to this time zone quickly. One thing I have always loved about flying is the clouds and I took several photos of them with the snowy mountains today. I particularly love how the clouds look like a separate world and no one can touch them, they remain pure. I feel so small when I'm looking down at Earth but I could never ignore how beautiful and calming it is to look down at thousands of people in an instant. That's simply incredible. The earth looks like a slab of clay that goes on forever, molded and kneaded into mountains, rivers, valleys and plains.

On a different note, I hate it when you want to talk to someone but you are afraid of coming off like you're annoying. I don't know why but I can't help it. I hate how everything that should be fairly simple can be (or at least seem to be) complex.

I also think I have a tendency to run away from my problems, as if somehow it will actually help. Things don't disappear and I know this...but its easier when I can physically get away from everything for a while. School, despite how much I love college, has physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted me as if its goal was to make me a raisin. I used to be so eager to learn and now I feel eager to do nothing but sleep.

Tomorrow I will be attending my mom's work Christmas party and I'm excited to dress up for it. I'm excited to continue eating this delicious food my (step)dad makes and I'm excited to see people I missed. I also plan on reading as many books as I possibly can before I head back to educational overload; I have a list of unnecessary book candy on my phone haha. Yea, book candy, in other words its candy for the nerdiness inside in book format....yeah that's all I can write for now. I'll try and keep this updated more.

A Continuation of Midnight Ramblings

I really must be insane. It's my only logical conclusion at this point in time. It is Thanksgiving night and I am waiting for three hours to pass by so I can go shopping with my mom for Black Friday sales...that doesn't sound sane in any way. I'm attempting to write this but so far I've been distracted numerous times.

I made my grandma's homemade apple pie today...the top crust was a fail but it was yummy nonetheless. It was my first thanksgiving here in WA and I had a good time, but I missed my other family members too. I guess they had new york strip instead of turkey in Ohio...I'm still rather jealous. They also made my "oops I overcooked the potatoes so lets make mashed potatoes instead" recipe haha. I came up with it last year by adding bacon, onions cooked in a little beer and garlic. yummm.

It's taking a lot from me to not pull down one of my books right now. I know that once I begin, I'll not do anything else (like homework, etc). Two more weeks and I'll be able to read until my eyes pop out, yay....I just came to the conclusion that by writing on here I'm not particularly accounting my day or discussing something meaningful...I'm simply talking to myself....oh dear.

...I'm not sure I want to continue..

Footprints of Ink

I cannot focus today. I'm being stubborn on purpose, and I know it. I feel like a five-year-old slamming my fists on the ground because I know things need to be done, but I really don't want to do them. I have a paper that is due Wednesday, I have laundry flowing over the rim of my hamper and spilling on the floor, I have a headache, the weather is gray and gross, and I have this over whelming urge to crawl under my covers and sleep for a few days.

All of these things have contributed to my bitter mood today and I hate how cynical I sound. Please forgive me if I say something mean and unnecessary, please? I'm truly sorry. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed out, and I feel burnt out. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do right now in order to make myself feel better.

It is immensely difficult to sit down and feel this urge to write something that has nothing to do with my class or the newspaper, and not be able to properly convey how I am feeling. All my words taste dry on my tongue and when I write it's as if my pen is barely full of ink. I hope that this christmas break will prove to be energizing.

I know I'm on the right path but its like I'm walking around aimless without dropping breadcrumbs, just in case.

I Can Hear My Monotone

Despite the fact I have been writing constantly, it has been far too long since I last recorded my stupid little thoughts on this stupid little blog. Why have it? I'm still trying to answer that question...I should be writing another paper for my college class, but I have literally tossed it aside out of frustration. I feel brain-dead. I feel exhausted. I feel like I still have a lot of catching up to do.

Recently my life has revolved around: my Marketplace of Ideas class, The Olympian newspaper (where I will be hired to work for next quarter), my volunteer work at Children of the Nations, my addiction to caffeine despite my lack of income, the newspaper, writing, and not nearly enough sleep. I had to drop my math class because I couldn't manage my time properly anymore. There are so many things I need to do, I want to do, and I keep forgetting to do.

I feel as if my brain is slowly being nuked by the microwave I associate with college. Everyday I go find some caffeine to intake in order to get my thoughts flowing. It lasts for a while...eventually I crash, burn, and either nap or play Nintendo 64 Mario on the projector screen.

Yesterday, I went with Kaylee to Seattle. We both chopped off our long hair, went to the art museum, and ate fantastic pasta. That was a lovely day :] Today, I went back to Seattle with my family and saw the Harry Potter movie in the Imax theater. We got the best seats ever (thank you Miranda for temporarily being in a wheelchair?) and afterwards walked through the Harry Potter exhibition. I was sorted into Ravenclaw, I pulled Mandrakes from pots, and I sat in Hagrid's big, leather chair. It was another good day.

I miss my best friends...still. I think I mentioned this in my last post...I still miss my family too.

..Geez, this sounds so pathetic.

The Numbers Have It: I Like Writing More.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, the removal of wisdom teeth (the surgery itself) is not nearly as bad as the week to follow. Sure it sucked being stuck on the sofa for several days, too drugged out to do much but sleep and have "loopy" conversations with my newspaper editor (arguing claims over an academic paper on disturbing topics and claiming green onions are the reasons aliens in Hollywood are often green skinny things). And sure it was painful to realize just how obsessed Americans are with food (there are too many pizza commercials on television than is healthy for society), particularly when I couldn't eat anything solid for six days. Nothing could have prepared me for the stomach-ache (literally as well as figuratively) my pain medications caused. I am glad that those nights are over and I am delighted that I can eat real food again.

I miss my best friends. I miss the one who is only ten minutes away just as much as the one who is 2485 miles away. I miss talking to them and unconciously letting all of my stress melt away. They help me stay happy, and lately I'm not nearly as happy as I know I could be.

I miss my mother, father, and brother. I miss the fall drives we always would take in the beautiful valleys of Ohio in the autumn right about now. The other day we drove spontaneously through the outer back-roads of the Olympian mountains. It reminded me of those long drives in Ohio and, while it may have been comforting and peaceful, I just wanted to hug my mom.

I'm studying for my stupid Math 99 class and trying to memorize all the anal rules and OCD ways my teacher wants us to write answers down. Its just a little ridiculous. I wish I could have not gone to class and instead stayed at the volunteer position I have at Children of the Nations. Its quiet, productive, and pleasant there. Plus, I feel like I'm contributing to society.

Write to you later. I really must focus now :P

College Requires: Pens, Caffeine, & Paper

I'm not sure if I'm exhausted or excessively caffeinated at this point. Its a Wednesday, the middle of my school week and I'm tired, but when I go to bed I struggle falling asleep. I'm too excited, too eager about going back to school the next day. I love my Journalism/English 101 class. I don't even notice when three hours go by because I am completely absorbed. Math...is easy and boring. I'm sure that I only find it easy because its Day # 3 but what else is there to do? I finished all the practice and homework problems for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I shall do in class again. Perhaps, I will start brainstorming questions for my newspaper articles.

My article for the school paper made the front page. Financial aid is quite an important issue, and I hadn't realized my editor gave me that kind of challenge. It came into print yesterday :] I have been nothing but smiles.

For having so much happen in such a short amount of time, I cannot think of anything else to say. I'm tired but extremely happy.