My Thoughts are on Trial

I feel slightly nasuas. Its rather bothersome and I really just want to go to sleep. I have so much to do but I cannot concentrate here. It is too noisy and I'm having trouble doing anything these days. Yesterday, I did pick up my college course books and I actually giggled with delight, yes I'm a nerd. I hope I can make it out of my class alive so I can start over. Its wonderful- feeling as if the world is giving you another chance to do a bit better than before.

I'm waiting on a phone call. I can't believe I'm this excited about a simple phone call to someone I just spoke to last night. There is music weaving in and out of my skull that is trying to sooth my temperment...I'm not sure its helping. It seems as if every song, every other lyric is making me think of someone. But it feels natural to me rather than something hanging over my head like a thunder cloud full of confusion. Apparently- due to my lack of motivation and concern for anything important in my life- I'm grounded. I need a slap in the face or something to care anymore. Not. Healthy. I'm acting like such a child this year and I still don't care. I mean...I know that I should care but I just don't. No excuses to use because I'm sick of hearing myself scramble for excuses in my life. Its a bad habit. I think I want to fail, just fail. I've failed at many things in my life but for some reason I catch myself doing things (or not doing things) just to hurt myself. Perhaps, I've finally hit the state of self-destruction, not suicidle in nature, just this state of a blank-slated mind. Like a noose around any motivation in my life.

Pull it. See if I can fail anymore.

Rip Me Up a New Home

There's a storm outside resembling the storm in my mind at the moment. It's odd how I can feel so at peace and yet so bothered. I'm just not sure why. Its my last day here in Washington for summer vacation and while I am happy to be back on a schedule with work, school, and my family out there; I don't want to go. Don't make me leave yet. I'm too tired of moving from place to place, family to family, and time to time zone. Its as is there's this little ripping inside of me, leaving a growing hole in my heart when I have to leave somewhere again.