For years I've been stuck in a continuous pattern of being on top of the world, confident in myself and my abilities, and motivated to do more. Then something will happen to damage my confidence. Then something else. Then another...until finally these little chips cause enough damage to shatter the glass world, which for so long I had thought was unbreakable. It could be weeks or months until I start to climb back up the hill and the cycle starts all over again.
I'm at the top of the hill right now and I am scared that I might trip and fall down. The good news, however, is that I'm not scared all of the time. You may not understand how crucial of a difference that is. Sure I may still have my worries and wonder how long this "winning" streak will really last but it's loads better than the comparison. I'm not going to bed every night and thinking about the possibility that tomorrow morning I could quite possibly wake up and be filled with anxiety for no reason. Trust me when I say this has happened before. If anyone has anxiety, this is a possibility.
There are a few reasons why I think my stress levels have gone down considerably.
- I was able to finish my list of short term goals (find a stable job, decrease loans, move out)
- I moved out and I finally feel like an adult.
- Bryce.
I refuse to feel guilty about moving out with Bryce and it's not simply because I'm stubborn. It's because I don't feel guilty. I feel more like an adult now that I'm working hard and paying bills. I've proved to myself and everyone who told me how difficult it would be that I can be independent and responsible. I've dramatically changed in how I choose to deal with my anxiety and I've never been happier. This is the best decision I've ever made for myself.
This year I have had to learn something I never wanted to accept: I'm never going to please everyone. I cannot accurately describe how difficult that is. The mentality you have as a kid dealing with extremely dependent and verbally abusive peers turns you into a person willing to anything to make them happy, even if it means putting your own happiness on hold. That guilt trigger never goes away and it changes into something more complex when you get older; it grows up with you. I don't want to feel guilty anymore when it comes to my own happiness. I would have never expected that I'd be living with my boyfriend and that I wasn't graduating with my associates degree right now. That wasn't part of my plan but I'm oddly grateful.
People tell you from the time you are in seventh grade that everything you do from then on determines your success in finding a good college and it's a repeating record you hear until graduation. Then we supposedly all go to college or universities but I can't help but feel cheated. It wasn't until this past year that I started hearing stories from people about their 19 and 20 year-old selves and you know what? I keep hearing all about their mistakes and how things didn't work out how they originally had planned. While there are some people who talk to me about their regrets, I'm still surprised that the majority of people regret none of their mistakes during these years. They experienced them, they adapted their plans and they moved on. Why didn't we hear about those things among the pressures to graduate college right out of high school? Maybe if I heard more of those things a few years ago, I wouldn't have felt like such a failure this year. I want to go back to school eventually but I'm learning that there isn't a right way to live your life. That idea is utter bullshit and unrealistic.
That's what should have been on the high school agenda: teach children they will make mistakes and that they can pick up the pieces to move forward.
