Thinking may just be the death of me. One day I will be thinking and my head will implode from all of the things that are constantly rushing toward my skull at a million miles per second...but I still cannot stop.
I'm graduating in two weeks, I think. Too be quite honest I don't keep track of the days anymore. People want to know my future plans as if I'm some kind of prophet. I'm as clueless about my future as I was a year ago. Why would being a graduate change any of that uncertainty? When I close my eyes and think about it, all I can picture are thousands of little post-it notes sticking on the back of my eyelids. I'm trying to read precisely what they say about my dreams, plans, ambitions but nothing is coming through. I feel as if each blink causes a post-it note to fall away from my thoughts and I'm left scrambling to try and recover it, frantically trying to grasp at my past in order to move forward. Indeed, now more than ever I feel blind to what may be heading my way.
I have so many things that I have to do and instead I sit here pondering everything. I have to pack my things, create a picture board, etc. I just want to freeze my life for a while and do absolutely nothing but sit in the sun. How can someone be so thrilled and excited to be graduating and moving, and yet feel so terrified about the outcome? I'm rushing to pick up the pieces that I feel are strewn across the floor. The mess of my room simply reflects the state I am in- a chaotic mess of my childhood and future.
Last time I wrote about how I couldn't stop thinking of Alice, Peter Pan, etc. Right now I'm in the process of thinking of something that will adequately convey this roller coaster I am on. To my dismay, there's just no single word that describes the huge transition I am undertaking both physically- with moving- and emotionally- with trying to become an adult. There's no guidebook this time, no one to help me relate to. Actually, I don't think I ever had a guidebook but it felt like I would turn out just dandy in the end if I held out long enough. There's a big void labeled my future and its looming ahead of me like a sick twisting storm. The trouble is that I don't know how to properly prepare for it or what is to come. In the past, I always had a a sense of what to expect but now I am without any true sense at all.
