Running Into Resistance

Do you ever have this overwhelming urge to write- to toss your anxieties across a canvas with a flurry of emotional release- but you are left desperate to find the right way to start? I close my eyes and I feel nothing but the shadow of exhaustion and stress. Lately, I feel nothing but anger at things I cannot control or frustration that change could not come soon enough. I have put so much effort into being a hard worker and it's more than disappointing to realize that it meant nothing to other people.

I don't write nearly as much as I did in the past. I need a new environment to explore or a new routine. Sleeping and having so many sporadic work hours is not a productive or good way for me to live; I am left anxious in this pattern of inconsistency and stress. My mind is either overcome with emotion and worry or I am left in this oddly blank state. I feel zoned out so that I can try not to think about all this bullshit I am currently dealing with.

It's hard to not just go back to bed and stay there until I must work again. I'm afraid I will snap at someone simply because they reminded me of all my anxieties. Not like they would need to, but it's a small concern I've thought about today. This daily stress has made my imagination more active than it probably should be.

Now, I am going to go watch The West Wing on Netflix and pretend I wasn't so tired. I'm slowly getting better at finding distractions. Hopefully I won't find it necessary to write more angry posts about my...anger.

Time is a Tease

Lately I have been exhausted, angry, and impatient.

When I work, I work to be the best I can because I have this static mindset that working hard will fix things again. People who matter will notice and I'll get what I've been working for all this time. I've been training for this position for months and apparently it does not matter. I sleep on these "days off" instead of work because they have no hours left to schedule me for. Somehow, I am still exhausted.

I am angry because I am relearning a life lesson that completely hurts to learn. I'm learning that few people outside of my friends and family will help me succeed. Sometimes I think that putting up a strong front is a mistake despite all of it's advantages. I am the only person who can change things because no one wants to talk to me about what we can do for both work and myself. I am angry because I feel that I have been played, that I am stuck in this awful place out of desperation to pay for necessities, and that there is currently no other option. I am angry that I cannot stop thinking about it and that my anxiety is following me around like a swift shadow.

I am impatient to get out of here. I'm looking for new jobs that will actually be worth working for and for a new place to live. I'm excited for our lease to end in April so we can have those new opportunities all around us. Moving to Seattle is what I have always wanted to do. I want to go back to school in the fall and I want to explore a city I love.

I don't want to be anxious or angry anymore. I want to be productive.