My Life Fell Apart: A How-To Guide I Didn't Find on Google

I find a special kind of humor in depressing situations, like how I Googled "I'm a twenty something and my life just fell apart" little over a month ago.

I was extremely close to getting a full-time job I had worked hard for, which means my financial situation would have drastically improved; I was going to quit my job and be a much happier person as a result; I was engaged and then....things changed. Quickly, unbelievably, my world seemed to detach from the seams. All the "stitching" I had worked hard at broke away and I felt like I was literally falling apart. I moved back home because I no longer knew where home was. I was in this awful kind of nightmare, which was more terrifying than most because it was real.

I find a special kind of humor in the fact I turned to a search engine when I had no idea how to help myself out of this very real and complex situation. It was a sort of awakening. I opened my eyes and looked at the search results to find song lyrics, blog entries about discovering terminal illnesses far too young, and a plethora of random stories where twenty-somethings drop out of college and don't know what to do next. People turn to religion, diet fads, therapists, and books on "How to Be a Better You!"...

I tried Google again. I figured I needed to be more specific. It didn't matter how many variations I typed in the search bar because my searching would only result in articles written by people still searching. You can't find an answer for something that complex. You can laugh if you want to (I'm definitely still serious however) when I say there is a widespread problem occurring: Twenty-somethings are having some sort of self-identity crisis. So much for waiting twenty more years for that to happen, right?

The problem, which is also my problem, is that I have no idea what I want to do in life. I had no back up plan because I thought I didn't need one and I never wanted to consider that I would ever need a Plan B. I thought I finally figured out in the past few years who I was as a person and in 24 hours that self-identification was thrown out the window. I was immensely confident and now I feel like I've been hoodwinked by life. The truth is that the twenty years aren't too be wasted. You can't spend the rest of this time thinking you've got all the time in the world to figure shit because the time to figure it out is now, not ten years from now. If you put off self-improvement (finding a career you enjoy, going to school, thinking about a family, not being in bad relationships) because you only favor the idea of self-exploration (travel, hanging out with old friends, living for your hobbies, etc), you'll end up feeling unbalanced and unsatisfied. You need to focus on self-improvement and enjoy, not solely live for self-exploration.

So, what have I done in the meantime, now that I have this greater understanding of how to live my life? I've found ways to pass the time productively. This is the section for those of you that don't give a crap about my self-discovery, however, I feel you'll change your mind in time like I did.

What To Do When My Life Falls Apart

Make a Goal List.

Take a piece of paper and draw a horizontal line across the middle and a vertical line down the center of the page. This will leave you with four quadrants. Label the top left "Within 1-2 weeks," the top right "Within 3 months," the bottom left "Within 6 months," and the bottom right "Within 3 years." Now fill it out. Don't worry if you're not sure you'll accomplish them all because goals often change as you change as a person. Just as importantly, make sure you keep this list somewhere you see it every day (bathroom mirror, your car, or more privately on the wall of your closet.) Also make sure you cross off things as soon as you accomplish them. If you keep your goals realistic, you'll cross them off sooner than you think.

Invest in a Calendar.

When you're life falls apart, you find yourself with a lot more free time on your hands. Print out a calendar or grab your planner and start figuring out when you'll have too much free time. I'm not suggesting you overload your schedule and consequently become an exhausted mess of a person. I am suggesting you try balancing your work time with the amount of time you spend with other people with the amount of time you spend focusing on yourself. The amount of time you give yourself should not be part of your tv or computer time because you're doing absolutely nothing productive for those activities.

Budget Yourself.

Unless you already have a budget system in place, this time of your life is perfect to reexamine your financial situation. Find a new budget system (I ended up using one created by a mom trying to save money for her family's disney trip...obviously doesn't apply to my life but still very effective [ http://www.couponingtodisney.com/budget-binder/ ].) When you're too emotional to analyze your life, sometimes it's helpful to force yourself into thinking about the material aspects of it.

Process Your Emotions.

Have you ever been to the self-help section of the library or the bookstore? I have and I can tell you that I hate it. There are so many smiling faces, outrageous guarantees of a better life, and bright colors that it makes me want to scream in a public place (I refrain). If you seriously need a book to find comfort however (I'm one of those people who believe books hold magical powers), I suggest two things. 1) Avoid the self-help section and find a psychology section. Not all of us have depression, anxiety, or border-line personality disorder but if you're honestly going to this blog or Google because "your life is falling apart" then maybe you should look into therapy workbooks. The Dialectic Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is an excellent way to process your emotions. 2) Read the book "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter" by Dr. Meg Jay.

Read.

Read everything you ever wanted. I have too much free time on my hands when I'm not working my part-time job. Read non-fiction, fantasy, or comic books. Reading is important because you can expand your world view or find comfort in old childhood stories. It's a way to mediate for those of us that cannot hold still.

Learn to Enjoy Things as an Individual.

One of the biggest challenges I've had to overcome is enjoying things again. When you spend a lot of time with one person and do almost everything with them, you have to learn how to enjoy something without automatically thinking "Wow, ___ would have really liked this," or "I wish ___ was here," or "___ and I used to do this all the time." This is hard to do but you have to practice and I promise it will get easier.

Expand Your Circle.

I don't advise shutting everyone out of your life and cutting off your friends. I do think this is a good time to gently letting go of the negative people you know and finding new connections and better influences. All those times you needed an excuse to stop talking to that mean old friend of yours or the negative family member you can't see eye to eye with? Take a step back and realize this is the time for you to work on you.

Research Your Dreams Without Limitations.

I want to go back to school and enter the social and human services program at my local college so I've researched and started the list of things I need to do to make that happen. Along the way, I've also looked into things I've always been curious about like welding, writing a book, going on a road trip across america, visiting another country, teaching internship programs, and moving to New Orleans for the hell of it.

Am I going to do all of those things? Probably not but at least now I know if their attainable goals and desires.

Be Realistic.

Everyone wants an easy solution but there is seldom an easy solution for a complex problem. Find motivations for yourself even when you think there is no motivation left. Make finishing that book your motivation or go back to school or find a new job you might enjoy more than this one. Embrace change even when it feels like all the change might crush you. When you feel like you've lost control of your life, find something else you can control, even if that thing is as small as getting a haircut or reorganizing your finances or decorating your room. Bake a fucking cake and eat half of it. Go running every day. Sleep more consistently. Volunteer at a place you care about. There are so many things to do that it's up to you to fix yourself. There are things that help along the way but ultimately you are the deciding factor. Come out of this as a better person and regret nothing.

Yes, This is A Post About Faith

Why the blunt title? Unfortunately, I feel like I need to clarify myself whenever I decide to talk about religion.

Secondly, I have never written about my faith online before and I don't want this to result in a series of comments on how religion is for the uneducated or God is nonexistent (it saddens me to hear people say both of those things.)

I am writing this because I need to express my thoughts and I want everyone who is willing to please read them with me. This post is about respect, about our deepest compassion for fellow humans, and our confusing grief.

As with every tragedy, the suffering of the Boston Marathon yesterday has left me bewildered and confused.  How can God allow such suffering into this world? I find myself thinking over and over again these negative thoughts, but this morning I turned to a random page in my Bible and I wanted to share the comfort I found.

John 9:1-7 is the story of Jesus healing the blind man, a story most of us have heard. When His disciples ask if the man is blind because he or his parents have sinned in the past, Jesus explains that this man is only blind by the will of God, so that His works might by displayed in him.

This morning I realize once again that we have no control over the evil in this world. We are all pained by the idea that people can be dark inside and are wandering around blindly, lost from our deepest senses of community and human compassion. We must grieve for the people who are impacted, who are suffering; but we must foremost remember to trust in God. We must trust that he has allowed some souls to walk blindly so that we can help them find healing. We cannot forget to rise above the pain in order to help those that need Jesus's love most during this time.

For those of you reading that do not know God, I can understand your hesitance and I will never judge you. I have been there. If you can't turn to God in a time like this, turn to compassion. Find the fundamental connection all human beings have to one another and find a way to help.

If you cannot help the victims of the Boston Marathon attacks, hold the ones you love close. Choose to help the people around you find comfort in a time of confusion. Do what is right and good and forgive people before the next tragedy occurs. Do not live with regret. Find love in the knowledge that we are a global community and we can make small impacts that will result in a larger happiness.

Running Into Resistance

Do you ever have this overwhelming urge to write- to toss your anxieties across a canvas with a flurry of emotional release- but you are left desperate to find the right way to start? I close my eyes and I feel nothing but the shadow of exhaustion and stress. Lately, I feel nothing but anger at things I cannot control or frustration that change could not come soon enough. I have put so much effort into being a hard worker and it's more than disappointing to realize that it meant nothing to other people.

I don't write nearly as much as I did in the past. I need a new environment to explore or a new routine. Sleeping and having so many sporadic work hours is not a productive or good way for me to live; I am left anxious in this pattern of inconsistency and stress. My mind is either overcome with emotion and worry or I am left in this oddly blank state. I feel zoned out so that I can try not to think about all this bullshit I am currently dealing with.

It's hard to not just go back to bed and stay there until I must work again. I'm afraid I will snap at someone simply because they reminded me of all my anxieties. Not like they would need to, but it's a small concern I've thought about today. This daily stress has made my imagination more active than it probably should be.

Now, I am going to go watch The West Wing on Netflix and pretend I wasn't so tired. I'm slowly getting better at finding distractions. Hopefully I won't find it necessary to write more angry posts about my...anger.

Time is a Tease

Lately I have been exhausted, angry, and impatient.

When I work, I work to be the best I can because I have this static mindset that working hard will fix things again. People who matter will notice and I'll get what I've been working for all this time. I've been training for this position for months and apparently it does not matter. I sleep on these "days off" instead of work because they have no hours left to schedule me for. Somehow, I am still exhausted.

I am angry because I am relearning a life lesson that completely hurts to learn. I'm learning that few people outside of my friends and family will help me succeed. Sometimes I think that putting up a strong front is a mistake despite all of it's advantages. I am the only person who can change things because no one wants to talk to me about what we can do for both work and myself. I am angry because I feel that I have been played, that I am stuck in this awful place out of desperation to pay for necessities, and that there is currently no other option. I am angry that I cannot stop thinking about it and that my anxiety is following me around like a swift shadow.

I am impatient to get out of here. I'm looking for new jobs that will actually be worth working for and for a new place to live. I'm excited for our lease to end in April so we can have those new opportunities all around us. Moving to Seattle is what I have always wanted to do. I want to go back to school in the fall and I want to explore a city I love.

I don't want to be anxious or angry anymore. I want to be productive.