Thursday, November 5, 2009
November Eleventh.
The damn computer network wouldn't accept my flash drive- one that I had been using at the school for over a year now. I finally was able to force feed it my data when I realized I forgot everything I wanted to write for my research paper. dammit. I think I'm getting a sty. I'm scared and angry of course...eww. The bottom lash line of my right eye is sore like someone scratched it. Not. Pleasant. I don't know what is worse: leaving midday to go home and not get much done or staying at school and not getting much done. I realized last night when I was talking with my dad that I only have a month and a half of school left. that's pretty much it and then I can start some college classes, graduate, and turn eighteen this summer. End game, over, goodbye. He said that I should be excited but I'm just scared and struck dumb. I don't feel seventeen, I feel five. I feel immature, stupid, and unsure of everything. Its like I'm a freshman again only this time I don't think I'm more mature or intelligent than most people (that's what I felt secretly of course). Oh how biggot of me to have ever let that cross my mind, even if only briefly.
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Modest Proposal of Insanity.
I feel like I'm just floating along and on occasion someone hits me on the side of the head with a cooking pan to see if I'm still feeling anything. Constantly in this mood of contemplation and, some how, I'm barely skimming the surface of my thoughts. Damn the neurons in my brain, I don't want to make any new connections at the moment, but I see the necessity in doing so. Back and forth, back and forth; I feel so indecisive. But what do you care? You don't and there's no reason for you to.
Many people use their blogs to discuss important issues (or rather highly publicized issues) that grasp their attentions, but every time I try to type about how Michael Jackson's documentary bothers me, Stephanie Meyer's vampire empire annoyances, or the frustrations I feel when the media can only examine the First Lady for her image rather than values; I stop short. I feel so repeated and unoriginal. Humanity is just one big circle in so many ways. They say we move forward, but in essence I feel like we are only a broken record.
Music is seeping more and more into my pores, its as if I'm only thinking about what song would help me through my emotions next. I feel so self absorbed and pathetic. eww. I always thought I seemed pretty mature, I could always see situations from the outside. Now I feel the opposite, as if I'm missing something critical. I hate feeling like its not going to be okay. I was told to share how I'm feeling but I don't want to. its easier to put on a smiling face. That way I can convince myself and everyone else that nothing is wrong. After all, the more I let things out the more I keep feeling like some self-obsessed, whiny little teenage girl. That seems too illogical. Why would I bother others when they have their own problems? it makes more sense to me still to just let things go. I'm not moping around every day so I can't be depressed, right? Right? Or have I just become some cold, dead thing...someone who is not in control of their emotions so they take it out on others? Is this the person I've become or am I just a deluded little girl?
What am I going to do when I graduate this June? I want to go to college and get some sort of job that pays well and is enjoyable. That's how it always starts out though, and then don't people 8 times out of 10 work a crappy job and find themselves missing the things they always wanted? Just a tad disheartening. I'm such a gloomy girl, that in itself is depressing.
Last week I had a nightmare so I crawled in bed with Mom. I don't remember much, just me crawling in bed with her and getting as close as possible. Shaking breath. I know I dreamt more that night but I didn't recall calling for her and crying "don't let it hurt me." What does it mean, and what have I been dreaming still? Not every night but every couple of nights I fall asleep and wake up like I'm having some sort of panic attack. But I never remember when I wake up what it was that was so scary. Its like the feeling you get when you try to repress something, but it bothers me that I don't know what that is. Blank slate on that one.
Blank slated-mind is more or less my new state of being. I'm a zoo animal and that's my description on the sign. "Blank slated-mind...eats dark chocolate...drinks too much caffeine...works at fast food chain...lack of motivation...WARNING: detrimental to self (provokes mental abuse) and may take frustrations out on others. Also still gets a giggle out of Jonathan Swift's satirical "A Modest Proposal" and may, therefore, suggest we eat babies on occasion.
Many people use their blogs to discuss important issues (or rather highly publicized issues) that grasp their attentions, but every time I try to type about how Michael Jackson's documentary bothers me, Stephanie Meyer's vampire empire annoyances, or the frustrations I feel when the media can only examine the First Lady for her image rather than values; I stop short. I feel so repeated and unoriginal. Humanity is just one big circle in so many ways. They say we move forward, but in essence I feel like we are only a broken record.
Music is seeping more and more into my pores, its as if I'm only thinking about what song would help me through my emotions next. I feel so self absorbed and pathetic. eww. I always thought I seemed pretty mature, I could always see situations from the outside. Now I feel the opposite, as if I'm missing something critical. I hate feeling like its not going to be okay. I was told to share how I'm feeling but I don't want to. its easier to put on a smiling face. That way I can convince myself and everyone else that nothing is wrong. After all, the more I let things out the more I keep feeling like some self-obsessed, whiny little teenage girl. That seems too illogical. Why would I bother others when they have their own problems? it makes more sense to me still to just let things go. I'm not moping around every day so I can't be depressed, right? Right? Or have I just become some cold, dead thing...someone who is not in control of their emotions so they take it out on others? Is this the person I've become or am I just a deluded little girl?
What am I going to do when I graduate this June? I want to go to college and get some sort of job that pays well and is enjoyable. That's how it always starts out though, and then don't people 8 times out of 10 work a crappy job and find themselves missing the things they always wanted? Just a tad disheartening. I'm such a gloomy girl, that in itself is depressing.
Last week I had a nightmare so I crawled in bed with Mom. I don't remember much, just me crawling in bed with her and getting as close as possible. Shaking breath. I know I dreamt more that night but I didn't recall calling for her and crying "don't let it hurt me." What does it mean, and what have I been dreaming still? Not every night but every couple of nights I fall asleep and wake up like I'm having some sort of panic attack. But I never remember when I wake up what it was that was so scary. Its like the feeling you get when you try to repress something, but it bothers me that I don't know what that is. Blank slate on that one.
Blank slated-mind is more or less my new state of being. I'm a zoo animal and that's my description on the sign. "Blank slated-mind...eats dark chocolate...drinks too much caffeine...works at fast food chain...lack of motivation...WARNING: detrimental to self (provokes mental abuse) and may take frustrations out on others. Also still gets a giggle out of Jonathan Swift's satirical "A Modest Proposal" and may, therefore, suggest we eat babies on occasion.
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