Abnormal Is Just My Reality

i've just cancelled plans for a typical normal teenager on a friday night. is that wrong?
i almost considered just going to a movie by myself. i must be wrong in the head or something, right? no wonder renae thinks i'm unhealthy; you know like a kid who's never in the sun. pale, plain, boring...just unhealthy. reading Grapes of Wrath isn't so bad i guess.

Acid Rain Tastes Bittersweet

almost five weeks left until summer, about thirty-three minutes left until i cut open a fetal pig, and a little more than six hours until my school day is over with. *sigh*... i really need to read my grapes of wrath. school immensly sucks. Renae went shopping for her prom dress and i wish i was there with her. i miss her so much. juicy juice is delicious, if that wasn't already mentioned before now. pretty pirate anklet on the right. clouds in my mind and i feel stuffy. i want to go home please. not this, never this.

i feel so confused again, but hey aren't i always confused? this year i feel so empty and i have no freaking idea why. maybe...its because i've had myself so convinced that everything in my life was, if not wonderful, normal in some pecuilar way. i was so convinced that my "friends" were truly my friends, and my beliefs and thoughts were too. i think i was wrong in almost everyway. despite renae, i honestly don't have any friends. i have aquintances, and i have connections, but nothing more than that.

i recently had an adult tell me that they wished they were a teenager again. i laughed. "what?", what you say? maybe i laugh at you openly because i hate, hate, hate being a teenager. i hate it when i say something to adults and get a positive reaction and say the same thing to these people and they look at me like i'm some one-eyed freak. i know it is and always has been true. stop stepping on me, looking down at me, and walking past me like i'm invisible. it wasn't suppose to be this way. they said these would be the greatest moments of my life...idiots.

so why do i laugh at you? how could i not, exactly? you cannot seriously look me in the eyes and tell me that being a teenager was the best thing to ever happen to you, that you were never torn apart at the seams, and tears never fell down your face in an empty bathroom stall because it wasn't right.

i.am.the.oddball.out.

will i be okay in the end? "without tears the soul would have no rainbow." i guess if you must, rain on. maybe i'll wash away with the dust.

My Rotten Cherry

completely and indefinatly bored out of my freaking cranium.

thank goodness its friday...i was getting worried that it'd never come. i'm so tired and now stressed, but what's new there? i'm getting a border line D in bio 2 and i had got a B on the test that we'd just taken. why, how?! and today, to top it all of with some rotten cherry, is the last day of the grading period. THE LAST FREAKING DAY OF THE GRADING PERIOD. someone might as well call the cops now cuz i'm going to kill myself if that stays a D...oh my god...my parents are going to kill me first! you watch. i'll have the hoop around my neck and my mom will come in, save me from myself, and then kill me to prove a point. i guess thats love?

KABOOM.

and my head explodes...

i don't think i can survive this. its eating away at my well being and i wish all of my homework would just randomly disappear. i cannot wait until summer any longer; when the weather is so warm it seems to dissolve away all of my problems, the days seem endless, and i'm being crazy with my friend Renae. some how, some way i have to get a research paper draft done, a history project completed, and study for my biology 2 test that's tomorrow morning. i cannot fail. please, don't let me fail! if i fail, i fall. when i fall, i can hardly move; my body becomes mangled and my thoughts surrounded in depressing bliss. maybe that's an exaggeration on how much i actually care about schoolwork. lets consider it more of a generalization on my life as a whole, shall we?

if only duct-tape and paperclips worked on everything, eh? wouldn't that be wonderful... cross my heart and hope to die, maybe there's no more hope for me. what the hec is L-O-V-E anyways? I bet its all my imagination, maybe it doesn't even exist...its not like i'm asking for a future husband here. can't a girl just have someone to talk to and to trust? a little love in the world wouln't hurt, would it? would a little love hurt? maybe the world has a broken heart too. although, the difference between us would be the world got its broken heart through countless disappointments after thousands of years...i'm still a bit broken after only one. does staying somewhat broken after all this time because of some stupid "relationship" (for lack of a better word) mean i'm weak? or does it mean i'm simply cynical about it all, previously full of the illusion that everything would be a fairytale and even the heartbreaks would be okay-not one ever hurting me? it feels like everyone else has gotten more than one chance except me: a chance to be happy.

911, please call an ambulance to clean up this mess.