almost five weeks left until summer, about thirty-three minutes left until i cut open a fetal pig, and a little more than six hours until my school day is over with. *sigh*... i really need to read my grapes of wrath. school immensly sucks. Renae went shopping for her prom dress and i wish i was there with her. i miss her so much. juicy juice is delicious, if that wasn't already mentioned before now. pretty pirate anklet on the right. clouds in my mind and i feel stuffy. i want to go home please. not this, never this.
i feel so confused again, but hey aren't i always confused? this year i feel so empty and i have no freaking idea why. maybe...its because i've had myself so convinced that everything in my life was, if not wonderful, normal in some pecuilar way. i was so convinced that my "friends" were truly my friends, and my beliefs and thoughts were too. i think i was wrong in almost everyway. despite renae, i honestly don't have any friends. i have aquintances, and i have connections, but nothing more than that.
i recently had an adult tell me that they wished they were a teenager again. i laughed. "what?", what you say? maybe i laugh at you openly because i hate, hate, hate being a teenager. i hate it when i say something to adults and get a positive reaction and say the same thing to these people and they look at me like i'm some one-eyed freak. i know it is and always has been true. stop stepping on me, looking down at me, and walking past me like i'm invisible. it wasn't suppose to be this way. they said these would be the greatest moments of my life...idiots.
so why do i laugh at you? how could i not, exactly? you cannot seriously look me in the eyes and tell me that being a teenager was the best thing to ever happen to you, that you were never torn apart at the seams, and tears never fell down your face in an empty bathroom stall because it wasn't right.
i.am.the.oddball.out.
will i be okay in the end? "without tears the soul would have no rainbow." i guess if you must, rain on. maybe i'll wash away with the dust.
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