Brain Damage

There are six days left until I'm on a plane, which is mostly likely to be crowded with people just as anxious as I am to be home for the holidays. Already I feel nervous and a little ashamed about who I'll have to sit next to for six or eight hours- for as long as I've been flying to the same locations I can never remember how long the flight is. Its nerve wracking in a way, to have to sit in the waiting area at a flight's gate and have nothing really to do but look around, wondering who you'll have to sit by. I always hope that I sit next to the older ladies with an intelligent aire about them. They have no problem speaking to you but never carry out conversations for long. Creepy guys, people who look like they haven't showered in days, and small children are out in my mind. That is, if I had a choice. If I had a choice I'd be sitting by myself so I could stretch out and fall asleep with my head against the window, my legs on the other two seats. No doubt, it would be the most brilliant airplane flight in my life....I'm still waiting for it to happen.

Something is wrong with me. I'm sure there's plenty of evidence that is already stacked up in support of this notion, however, I can't help but to repeat it. Something is wrong but I don't know what is. I hate this feeling of helplessness that sneaks up on me every now and then. I'll feel fine and dandy but then I get stuck in this gummy sludge of...of something that's too hard to explain. Perhaps, I'm simply delusional about everything in my life that I can't associate with words. Music is the only thing that I am able to still cling onto. Desperately- I might add. A desperate, needy clinging to anything that might help me work out what the hell is wrong. I don't like this feeling that keeps ressurfacing in my chest, that nothing can be done and I'm not really going anywhere, despite all of the efforts I make. Where are the words, the allusions, the lyrics that I can associate with that? They're not here and the fact I can type all of this puts a little hope in my heart. Just a little.

This coffee in my mug is cold and I think that the bitterness is making me feel sick....I just realized that means more than the literal. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else but strangely, it does to me. It just requires some deep, depressing, Nirvana/Radiohead-like thinking. Radiohead, by the way, is becoming a new favorite of mine. Something I can listen to along with another new favorite Scarlet Johannson (spelling error most likely, I apologize) and her duo cd with Pete Yorn. Complexity somehow made simple. That's what good music should be. Complexity made simple, but keeping in mind that simple does not always mean easy.

I feel like Walt Disney- frozen. I couldn't sleep well last night. I'm not even sure if it was sleeping, more like deep meditation where I can still hear everything in the distance. Thinking about nothing and, yet, everything all at once at the speed of sound as thunder is crashing into my brain.

The brain damage is still there and is getting worse.