When I work, I work to be the best I can because I have this static mindset that working hard will fix things again. People who matter will notice and I'll get what I've been working for all this time. I've been training for this position for months and apparently it does not matter. I sleep on these "days off" instead of work because they have no hours left to schedule me for. Somehow, I am still exhausted.
I am angry because I am relearning a life lesson that completely hurts to learn. I'm learning that few people outside of my friends and family will help me succeed. Sometimes I think that putting up a strong front is a mistake despite all of it's advantages. I am the only person who can change things because no one wants to talk to me about what we can do for both work and myself. I am angry because I feel that I have been played, that I am stuck in this awful place out of desperation to pay for necessities, and that there is currently no other option. I am angry that I cannot stop thinking about it and that my anxiety is following me around like a swift shadow.
I am impatient to get out of here. I'm looking for new jobs that will actually be worth working for and for a new place to live. I'm excited for our lease to end in April so we can have those new opportunities all around us. Moving to Seattle is what I have always wanted to do. I want to go back to school in the fall and I want to explore a city I love.
I don't want to be anxious or angry anymore. I want to be productive.
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