Running Into Resistance

Do you ever have this overwhelming urge to write- to toss your anxieties across a canvas with a flurry of emotional release- but you are left desperate to find the right way to start? I close my eyes and I feel nothing but the shadow of exhaustion and stress. Lately, I feel nothing but anger at things I cannot control or frustration that change could not come soon enough. I have put so much effort into being a hard worker and it's more than disappointing to realize that it meant nothing to other people.

I don't write nearly as much as I did in the past. I need a new environment to explore or a new routine. Sleeping and having so many sporadic work hours is not a productive or good way for me to live; I am left anxious in this pattern of inconsistency and stress. My mind is either overcome with emotion and worry or I am left in this oddly blank state. I feel zoned out so that I can try not to think about all this bullshit I am currently dealing with.

It's hard to not just go back to bed and stay there until I must work again. I'm afraid I will snap at someone simply because they reminded me of all my anxieties. Not like they would need to, but it's a small concern I've thought about today. This daily stress has made my imagination more active than it probably should be.

Now, I am going to go watch The West Wing on Netflix and pretend I wasn't so tired. I'm slowly getting better at finding distractions. Hopefully I won't find it necessary to write more angry posts about my...anger.