I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I want to curl up in a ball and cry like a child. I hate having to act grown up mature about it, knowing that life can suck sometimes and I only have so much control. I hate how my stomach hurts, I get headaches, and that I'm so easy to read when something is bothering me. I hate feeling every year as if I'm choosing one half of my family over the other half, that its like I'm ripping myself a new home. It's this terrible, unfulfilling cycle of back and forth. I'm so blessed with everything but on days like today, when I have to pack up and leave people again, I wish I didn't have to choose. I want to be selfish, I want to be spoiled, and I want to believe that I can have both halves of my family with me in the same place. It kills me that I know deep down that this isn't how life works, that people can't follow me forever, and that I need to accept things to move on.
Probably for the first time in my life, I don't know when I'll see the other half of my family again. It's always been easy to follow, not easy to execute, but easy to live with. I'd always spend the summers with my dad and every other Christmas. After I leave tomorrow, I won't have a definite date of when I'll return to my other home. I don't like this. I hate this feeling of the unknown about something I've always known. I've always been able to cope with the constant back and forth because I knew exactly what month I'd see them next. I feel like I've been laying bread crumbs all these years and now someone has picked them up when I wasn't around.
Within the hour, it will be the new year, 2011. Every year I'm always so hopeful about it and excited, but then the night comes around and I realize that it doesn't really matter. It means nothing unless we make it mean something ourselves. No clock or countdown can make reality better or our lives easier. And yet...here we are; thrilled by the idea every single year that this one stroke at midnight will change everything. We're brainwashing ourselves, but really we can change our attitudes or change or actions in life anytime we wish.
I'm being such a downer but at this point in time I don't care. I don't understand how I can be so incredibly happy and still feel so lost. For the first time in my life I'm enjoying school, I have more than two amazing friends, and I'm doing something I'm passionate about all at the same time. Why does it feel like I'm still missing something?
Hold me tight enough that I don't fall apart at the airport terminal.
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