A Long and Overdue Reflection on Intellectual Candy and How I Would be Diabetic in Another Reality

If I were to say that it feels like forever since I've written anything on here, I can imagine you pointing at your computer screen and accusing me of being Captain Obvious. My absence can only be explained by the odd absence of words; it startles me that I suddenly stopped writing in the amounts like I have always done. I have saved my words for the margins of my old novels with cracked spines and rough pages. I look back at my entries from a year ago and I still read the words of a lost girl, who does not know what to do with her life and how she will get there successfully. To write of all these deeper feelings is like admitting defeat, admitting with great reluctance that I cannot see how I have changed in this past year. Here I am, freshly nineteen, and I feel like I've failed at growing up. Doesn't anyone else feel this desperate, panic-filled cloud settling down upon them? This air has become humid with the summer heat and I am struggling to enjoy myself like I believe I should.

College this year has been equivalent to candy. Each quarter felt like a new treat, a new opportunity, and I would gorge myself with as much information as possible until somewhere along the line I'd become aware of the sickening twirl of my stomach. The worries would consume me. I'd question everything, lose all interest in the taste of such sugary goodness, and do my best not to admit how ashamed and embarrassed I was for not listening to my parents; I should have moderated my diet....and then it continues again.

What can I say for my behavior? Nothing. I cannot even appease myself. Therefore I read my worn copies of Anna Karenina and The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana and To Kill a Mockingbird and my latest obsession, Reading Lolita in Tehran. I read; I underline words that make me want to weep, that make me cry silently, that make my heart skip a beat with their lovely prose and the ordinary words that only have personal significance. I wish I had an idea for a book. I'd write it and prove to myself perhaps that I am passionate about writing but able and able to finish something, finish anything, too. I completely immerse myself in the fictional pages that are haphazardly stacked under and around my bed, and I write about it all in my little leather book.

This is my game of hide and seek: I take my little Italian-made notebook to whatever sort of place. I sit. I write. My observations scratch the surfaces of those creamy pages (with the black inked pen I had so meticulously chosen that morning) and I drink my tea or coffee in silence. And when you see me, approach me, strike up an ordinary comment that carefully follows the rules of conversation between strangers, At least it is not raining this morning...Were you in my last college class? History, right?...Do you know when the next bus arrives?... when you break my silence with your words I look at you with a smile and decide it is time to move on. I feel caught like a child stealing more candy.

How I wish I could moderate my sweets.

How to Write an Academic Paper (and maintain relative sanity)

I wanted to write this blog entry for myself and because I wanted to share it with everyone who has ever struggled with writing a paper. I took honors and AP English classes, I read and write constantly, I've had to do a research paper for each year of high school, and I admit (embrace the nerd!) that I love researching things. That said, I know how to write a paper.

The usual set back is that I cannot write a good research paper, or I cannot get enough length of solid material, or I cannot accomplish both of these things without losing my head. I hope you can use any of this to your advantage. Most of it is from my ENG 101 and ENG 102 classes from college.

10 Steps to Guide You on Your Quest

1. Brainstorm parallel or intersecting ideas (or rather points of agreement versus points of conflict) that you came across in your sources. Think of this step as making a pool for all those scattered thought processes; once they're down on paper it will be easier to keep track of them.
   
   
2. Next, write down some of the main ideas, themes, concepts or terms that you can pull from your idea pool.
   
   
3. Narrow down this list even further and pick a topic that you are interested in and that you can see yourself having enough to write about for your paper requirements. [Remember to have it be balanced so your paper, for example, won't be too broad and result in a very scattered, unorganized final paper. On the other hand, too narrow of a topic might not provide you with enough resources to reach your goal length.]
   
   
4. Time for Quote-Mining! Reread your notes and sources to find quotes you may want to use within your paper. Type them up (later all you'll have to do is copy/paste them) and cite them.
   
   
5. If you think it will help make the organization process easier for your paper, move quotes around on the document; group quotes together that are similar in ideas or that support your argument in the same way.
   
   
6. Quote Sandwiches! These are the probably the quickest way to write thorough, organized paragraphs.
• Introduction: [identify source (might also establish ethos or credibility), context, significance]
• Evidence: [either a quote or paraphrase. Cite correctly]
• Analysis: [Breaks down, interprets, and connects to your claim. Also is the transition to next idea, or quote sandwich.]
  
  
7. Write a conclusion. Your last chance to leave an impression on the reader and "build their memory" regarding your thesis.
   
   
8. Write an introduction. Now that you actually know the point you wanted to make in your paper, you can better introduce the reader to your topic or ease them into your thesis. Consider the different ways you can capture their attention, prepare and interest your reader, and how to best present your argument.
   
   
9. Make sure you write your paper with enough time to put it away for a while. Proofing your paper works best, not a 4 a.m. with another cup of coffee, but after taking a day of rest for sanity's sake. When you reread your paper, try to forget everything you already know about it from your research and pretend to be a new reader, or just have someone else read a copy of it too. Multiple opinions can strengthen your paper because they can point out stupid grammar mistakes as well as show you if they got lost in a transition, etc.
   
   
10. Final step: Revel in your glory and satisfaction...then get some sleep.

Some Useful Links:

• After searching through those stupid databases for sources try The Free Library (also might provide you with interesting topics for a paper): http://www.thefreelibrary.com/
• College usually gives you more freedom to write about some pretty cool things (like Facebook, Wikipedia, or zombies...all of which I've included in previous papers). This site features videos of really interesting, intelligent people talking about their really interesting, intelligent ideas. *Warning* this site could prove to be as detrimental to your writing process as it could prove to be helpful: instead of staying on track you may find yourself procrastinating for hours watching neat videos rather than writing: http://www.ted.com/talks
• Not much to say here except, thank you creators of this site. Your guide to anything dealing with general writing or MLA format. Bookmark this and use it: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/
• Although you should always double check to see if comes out correctly (use link above to do so), here is a link to a citation generator: http://www.easybib.com/

Super Glue My Heart Together

I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I want to curl up in a ball and cry like a child. I hate having to act grown up mature about it, knowing that life can suck sometimes and I only have so much control. I hate how my stomach hurts, I get headaches, and that I'm so easy to read when something is bothering me. I hate feeling every year as if I'm choosing one half of my family over the other half, that its like I'm ripping myself a new home. It's this terrible, unfulfilling cycle of back and forth. I'm so blessed with everything but on days like today, when I have to pack up and leave people again, I wish I didn't have to choose. I want to be selfish, I want to be spoiled, and I want to believe that I can have both halves of my family with me in the same place. It kills me that I know deep down that this isn't how life works, that people can't follow me forever, and that I need to accept things to move on.

Probably for the first time in my life, I don't know when I'll see the other half of my family again. It's always been easy to follow, not easy to execute, but easy to live with. I'd always spend the summers with my dad and every other Christmas. After I leave tomorrow, I won't have a definite date of when I'll return to my other home. I don't like this. I hate this feeling of the unknown about something I've always known. I've always been able to cope with the constant back and forth because I knew exactly what month I'd see them next. I feel like I've been laying bread crumbs all these years and now someone has picked them up when I wasn't around.

Within the hour, it will be the new year, 2011. Every year I'm always so hopeful about it and excited, but then the night comes around and I realize that it doesn't really matter. It means nothing unless we make it mean something ourselves. No clock or countdown can make reality better or our lives easier. And yet...here we are; thrilled by the idea every single year that this one stroke at midnight will change everything. We're brainwashing ourselves, but really we can change our attitudes or change or actions in life anytime we wish.

I'm being such a downer but at this point in time I don't care. I don't understand how I can be so incredibly happy and still feel so lost. For the first time in my life I'm enjoying school, I have more than two amazing friends, and I'm doing something I'm passionate about all at the same time. Why does it feel like I'm still missing something?

Hold me tight enough that I don't fall apart at the airport terminal.

My 2011 ... List of Motivation

I realize that I have some time left until the end of the month and the start of a new year, however, I feel like I want to make a list of New Year Resolutions (gasp, can it be so?!). I've never been a fan of goal setting - goals in general make me unnecessarily angry, confused, and upset - probably because I have a fear of completion. It is for precisely that reason that I think, finally, I want to start anew. It's not that I want to forget anything this year, on the contrary I want to remember it all in order to make this next year even better. I deserve it. I see this now, I understand and I want more good things to continue to flow my way. So here it is, my goal list for 2011. (Yay, I didn't cringe at the word, or refuse to do my teacher's stupid goals for the year assignment...I knew I could do it [:  ) *These are in no particular order of importance.*

• Accept the madness that is my thinking process. Acknowledge that I make things far more complex than I probably should, but accept that sometimes its the best way for me to learn things correctly.
  
• Do not tell myself, "I don't deserve to be happy" or "I can have that experience later." This is an utter bullshit excuse Chanel Violet Caulfield, and I will not put up with your excuses any more.
  
• Do all assignments. It may be painful, but do it anyways.
  
• Have a mocha budget ... cut down to three mochas a week at the most. No more than three (unless I find change in my tootsie roll jar).
  
• Write two handwritten letters every month. It's always something I want to do, but never do.
  
• Challenge myself to take more photos. I miss spending every day with my camera, and while that may be inconvenient with my new schedule, there's no reason I can't spend one day a week learning more about my hobby.
  
• Library more. Bookstores less.
  
• Do more chores at the house. Make a serious effort to these little necessities, rather than television on those "ohmygoodness there's no commitment right now" nights.
  
• Speaking of commitments, don't over commit. There are many lovely things I want to do, but if I do too many things I will stop being lovely. I will turn to my caffeine addiction, get grumpy, lose sleep, lose patience, and possibly kill (the spirits of people, not kill people themselves).
  
• DO NOT FORGET why I started writing in the first place, why it is my passion, why I wanted to become a journalist and why that idea has been stuck in my head ever since. Do not forget the important creative ideas when thinking of the particular, detail driven ideas.
  
• Don't be embarrassed of myself, for whatever stupid reason. I am myself and that is that. It's been proven a few times that people think I'm a neat person, so stop second guessing what they may think. On that note....
  
• ...STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.
  
• Fail. DO IT. Don't fail a class, or fail to maintain a promise; no. Fail at the stupid things that you think are really important but in the grand scheme of things aren't...
  
• ...loosen up.

Learning to Accept Rather than Reject.

One of the most difficult things for me is accepting money. Perhaps, it's because I hate feeling indebted to someone. Maybe it's because I've always been a sucker for guilt. Whatever the reason may be, it has proved to be very difficult to accept the green bills graciously. My mother keeps buying me little things, and why they may be necessities in the life of a "broke college student" (such as socks, clothing items, etc; or not necessary such as coffee) I feel oh so guilty. I've been reprimanded several times already for pushing away the spoiling affection from my mother. I'm sorry, Mom. It's difficult for me to accept gifts when I would much rather give them.

As a result, I've decided that my goal for this Christmas will be to ACCEPT IT, NOT REJECT IT.

• I will accept my mother's unnecessary spoiling.
• I will accept the cash that she hands me and I will continue to ask her for more (eek, my heels will not reluctantly dig into the ground) if I do not have enough to see friends.
• I will not fret if I don't get them gifts until the days after Christmas because its not that big of a deal.
• I will not think about all the things I have done wrong, because I'm here on Christmas vacation.
• I will eat as much food as I want to, whether it be healthy or not.
• I will allow myself days of sleeping in and not worry about the things that "need" to get done.
• I will relax and not think ill of the future.

In addition I'm going to try and make a Christmas list. Why "try" to make one? Well, I never know what to ask for. Usually, if I want something really special, I save up for it and buy it myself. So here it goes:

• Burts Bees chapstick.
• new ink pens
• memory card reader (although I might not wait that long. I'm in desperation to upload my photos already)
• (eighteen minutes later, not an exaggeration)...socks?...geez this shouldn't be difficult. I get back to this later.

Like An Impostor of My Childhood

I'm laying in my bed after seven months of moving away to Washington state. It's the same room I slept in since I was five and I feel rather odd being here. The furniture still remains but nothing else fills these empty shelves. The desk isn't cluttered with an array of papers, journals, doodles, and unsorted receipts. My dresser has no perfume, jewelry, or childhood collectibles on top of it anymore. There is a curious feeling I can't pinpoint that's associated with being in this white-walled shell of my childhood. It's only been seven months and already I feel like a different person; almost an impostor in my own home.

I have so many memories that I've thought about, just by laying in my bed right now. I can recount the sleepless nights, the afternoons wasted listening to music on my bed doodling rather than doing homework, the frustrations I cried over as a stupid thirteen year old, the happy feelings that derived from friendships and family, the hollow feeling I felt when a relationship didn't work out well and the lovely feelings when they did. Its striking how we can contain such an array of memories in an object or a place; I think its beautiful.

I've been awake for about twenty hours now because I took the Airporter bus at 2 a.m.. I hope I can adjust to this time zone quickly. One thing I have always loved about flying is the clouds and I took several photos of them with the snowy mountains today. I particularly love how the clouds look like a separate world and no one can touch them, they remain pure. I feel so small when I'm looking down at Earth but I could never ignore how beautiful and calming it is to look down at thousands of people in an instant. That's simply incredible. The earth looks like a slab of clay that goes on forever, molded and kneaded into mountains, rivers, valleys and plains.

On a different note, I hate it when you want to talk to someone but you are afraid of coming off like you're annoying. I don't know why but I can't help it. I hate how everything that should be fairly simple can be (or at least seem to be) complex.

I also think I have a tendency to run away from my problems, as if somehow it will actually help. Things don't disappear and I know this...but its easier when I can physically get away from everything for a while. School, despite how much I love college, has physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted me as if its goal was to make me a raisin. I used to be so eager to learn and now I feel eager to do nothing but sleep.

Tomorrow I will be attending my mom's work Christmas party and I'm excited to dress up for it. I'm excited to continue eating this delicious food my (step)dad makes and I'm excited to see people I missed. I also plan on reading as many books as I possibly can before I head back to educational overload; I have a list of unnecessary book candy on my phone haha. Yea, book candy, in other words its candy for the nerdiness inside in book format....yeah that's all I can write for now. I'll try and keep this updated more.

A Continuation of Midnight Ramblings

I really must be insane. It's my only logical conclusion at this point in time. It is Thanksgiving night and I am waiting for three hours to pass by so I can go shopping with my mom for Black Friday sales...that doesn't sound sane in any way. I'm attempting to write this but so far I've been distracted numerous times.

I made my grandma's homemade apple pie today...the top crust was a fail but it was yummy nonetheless. It was my first thanksgiving here in WA and I had a good time, but I missed my other family members too. I guess they had new york strip instead of turkey in Ohio...I'm still rather jealous. They also made my "oops I overcooked the potatoes so lets make mashed potatoes instead" recipe haha. I came up with it last year by adding bacon, onions cooked in a little beer and garlic. yummm.

It's taking a lot from me to not pull down one of my books right now. I know that once I begin, I'll not do anything else (like homework, etc). Two more weeks and I'll be able to read until my eyes pop out, yay....I just came to the conclusion that by writing on here I'm not particularly accounting my day or discussing something meaningful...I'm simply talking to myself....oh dear.

...I'm not sure I want to continue..